Our News RSS
Everyone knows that stress can cause a lot of problems, so it should be no surprise that too much stress can harm your marriage. To protect your marriage from stress, first, you have to figure out what is causing the stress. This can be tricky, as spouses often get caught up assigning blame and passing judgement. A neutral third party, like a marital mediator, can help you identify the stressor(s) in your marriage: time-based stress, strain-based stress, and behavior-based stress. With the source of the stress identified, a marital mediator will help you and your spouse create a plan of action to improve your marriage.
Most often, couples experience time-based stress – the feeling that there just aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish everything. It is usually recognized as the struggle to achieve work-life balance. But spouses experience time-based stress in other areas. Consider all of the limitations there are on the amount of quality time you have to spend with your spouse. Housework, hobbies, obligations to extended family and friends, and the demands of parenting all create time conflicts. When there is a high amount of time-based stress, spouses tend to get swept up in the day’s responsibilities instead of taking time to nurture their marriage.
We all undertake countless roles and responsibilities in the different areas of our lives – spouse, parent, child, employee, and friend, just to name a few. Strain-based stress occurs when these roles conflict with one another, either due to actual responsibilities or the way we define our responsibilities. Consider the various obligations you have to others: Whether it’s spending holidays a certain way with extended family, meeting friends every week, or always covering shifts for a co-worker. These routines may be part of a definition of what it means to be a good child, a good friend, or a good co-worker. They may also have little to do with what it means to be a good spouse, thus creating conflict.
Sometimes strain-based stress occurs when there is a lack of spousal support. When we refuse to be flexible, understanding, and forgiving, we set ourselves up to experience conflict with our spouse. Both spouses need to recognize each other’s roles and the associated obligations. When we support our spouses in all of their roles, we help them become well-rounded people who ultimately have more to give to the marriage.
Other times, the various roles we assume are so drastically different that the expected behavior of one role is unacceptable in another role, which can lead to behavior-based strain. This is most obviously seen when a person has a high amount of authority or autonomy in one area of life, usually work. That spouse may then have difficulty engaging in the joint decision making and compromise required in marriage. Behavior-based strain can also arise when spouses have very different views about marital roles. Each person enters marriage with certain beliefs and expectations. When your beliefs don’t match your spouse’s, there is an obvious conflict.
Identifying and eliminating stressors is an important part of marital happiness. Each type of stress can cause a spouse to feel as if his or her needs are not being met. It can also cause a spouse to feel as if the marriage is not as important as other relationships and responsibilities. Spouses under stress can feel less satisfied with their lives, and when the marital stress is prolonged, it can ultimately result in divorce.
The widely publicized 50% divorce rate is limited to certain subsets of the population and is not the U.S. population as a whole. Factors, such as income, education, and age when first married, all influence a person’s likelihood of divorce. This raises the question, who has the highest risk for divorce?
The recently released American Community Survey Report of the 2009 Census indicated the largest amount of divorced people had the following characteristics:
- The average divorced woman lives in the South, is between 35 and 44, has completed some college education, and earns between $25,000 and $49,000 per year.
- The average divorce man also lives in the South, is between 35 and 44, and has completed some college education. However, the average divorce man earns over $75,000 per year.
Divorce by Income
Divorce by Age
Divorce by Education
Divorce by Region
Can government do more to promote marriage? Kansas thinks so. The Kansas Department of Social and Rehabilitation Services applied for a federal grant of $2.2 million per year for three years to provide programs that encourage unwed parents to marry with the goal of reducing child poverty. Each year, about 19,000 unwed couples give birth to a child in Kansas. Since children who grow up in single parent households are more likely to live in poverty, state officials believe increased rate of marriage among these couples would decrease child poverty.
The grant money would provide unwed parents six free counseling sessions. If at the conclusion of the program, the couple decides to marry, the federal grant would also cover the cost of a marriage license ($85.50). The state estimates 40% of unwed parents would participate in the program and 60% of the participants would finish the program. State officials believe that even if these couples do not marry, the program will at least teach necessary relationship skills which would improve relationship stability.
Kansas is not the only state looking for federal money to promote marriage. Currently, there are over 200 programs funded by an ACF Healthy Marriage grant from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The purpose of the HHS grant is to help couples “gain greater access to marriage education services, on a voluntary basis, where they can acquire the skills and knowledge necessary to form and sustain a healthy marriage.”
If you are unhappily married, will divorce make you happy? Research says no. In fact, the opposite is true. Divorce tends to not alleviate depression, improve self esteem, or increase feelings of mastery of one’s life – key factors in achieving happiness. It is sticking it out through tough times, remaining committed to your partner, and resolving conflict that can make you happy.
According to the University of Chicago, two-thirds of those who are in unhappy marriages and who do not divorce report that they are happy five years later. While only half of those who are in unhappy marriages and who do divorce, report happiness five years later. Additionally, spouses who divorced had more depressive symptoms than their counterparts who stayed together. Some find that the doubts about whether divorce was the right choice linger for many years, further illustrating the less satisfying life after divorce. Many people who divorce realize later that they simply did not have the marriage skills to remain in their first marriage at the time.
Divorce may seem like it will make you happy because it can eliminate some of the stressors you are experiencing. Just don’t forget, divorce creates its own problems. Numerous studies indicate that in addition to decreasing psychological wellbeing, divorce causes financial instability, adversely affects health, and decreases the likelihood that children will be socially adjusted. Any of these factors can lead to further, and possibly greater, unhappiness.
As the saying goes – If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence, it is because it’s tended to. Before you decide to divorce, ask yourself, have you tended to your marriage by exploring all of your options to achieve marital happiness? Why do you think divorce will make you happier than staying married? Marital mediators are neutral third parties who can help you learn the answers to those questions. A marital mediator can work with you and your spouse to analyze your marriage and understand what is making you feel unhappy in your marriage. A marriage mediator can teach you important marital skills, help you to develop a plan together on how to satisfy each other’s needs, and hopefully become happy in your marriage.
Our responses to this week’s marriage chat hosted by blackandmarriedwithkids.com. 
Should spouses plan goals for the marriage?
Definitely! Working towards joint goals gives strength to your marriage. If you’re not heading in the same direction, you’re heading for disaster. Setting goals together is a way to connect with your spouse, allowing you to have regular conversations about what you each want out of your marriage and out of your future. Just as individuals need to work towards goals to be fulfilled. Marriages need goals to be fulfilling. The trick is to find ways to move towards individual goals and marital goals at the same time.
How far out should spouses plan goals and how often should they check progress?
Spouses should work together to create both long term and short term goals. The short term goals might be the smaller steps that will allow you to reach the long term goal, or they can be completely separate. How far out you should plan your goals depends on the type of goals you’re working on and how comfortable you feel about the planning process. Joint goal setting requires a careful balance, especially when spouses have different decision making styles.
As a general rule of thumb – at the end of each month, discuss with your spouse what you would like to accomplish in the next month. You may find it helpful to plan a minimum goal and an ideal goal. As you progress towards the goal, keep each other updated. Some spouses find it helpful to discuss progress at regular intervals, while others may find it best to check in only after certain benchmarks are reached.
What tips do you have about setting and accomplishing marriage goals?
Focus on compromise, not sacrifice. Marital goals are about two people coming together to accomplish more than they could on their own, not to ignore individuality for the sake of common goals. Thus, marital goals should complement each spouse’s individual desires and respect individual limitations. Really, it all comes down to communication. Both spouses need to know what the other views as priorities. Openly discuss what you each want from life and from your marriage. Recognize each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Be honest about what you can do and what type of support you need from your spouse to accomplish the goals.
What kind of goals should spouses set regarding parenting?
The most important goal spouses can set is to help each other in being the best parents you can be. Parenting can be extremely trying at times, and it is not uncommon for spouses to disagree about the best way to raise children. For example, discipline is a common area where parents can disagree, but it is so important that spouses have a unified plan in order to avoid the “good guy” and “bad guy” style of parenting. Spouses need to create a clear parenting plan that covers household rules, expectations, and acceptable standards for the children’s behavior.
By creating a parenting plan together, both spouses can remain on the same page. Joint parenting goals in step/blended families are too often forgotten. Spouses should also have a plan for how parenting decisions should be made. For example, create a plan for which types of decisions will require both spouses input and which either spouse can resolve alone. With children, many decisions need to be made in the moment, but don’t leave the other parent in the dark. The goal should be to parent together.
Sometimes it is also important for children to be included in goal setting. It’s important for children to feel a sense of ownership in decisions and responsibility for their own lives. At the same time, parents need to be parents. They need to be a figure of authority and guide children in appropriate directions. Many spouses find it helpful to set the long term family goals, and then allow children to participate in determining the details. Children can learn a lot from being a part of the decision making processes. Additionally, when they see their parents set goals, children will be encouraged to set their own.
Do you have any tips for a couple whose goal is to build a business together?
Someone once said you should pick your business partner with the same care that you pick your spouse – so your spouse as your business partner could be the perfect choice! Success in business and marriage require a lot of the same skills. Owning a business together can even be extra incentive to work on your marriage. As you become a stronger couple, your business will also become stronger.
Working with your spouse is very rewarding, but relationship dynamics can also make it a challenging experience. Don’t allow yourselves to get caught up on who is the boss. The goal is to work together, it shouldn’t matter who is in charge. Don’t let you marriage become a business. Make a deal that you will leave work at work. Make time for your spouse every day, no matter what. However, you also need to spend some time apart. Both spouses still need the space to be their own person.
Before you embark on building a business together, make sure that you can handle the day to day decision making and goal setting of marriage. Having a business together will add another layer of stress and responsibility. Don’t let the stresses of work hurt your marriage, remember your priorities. The business might provide you with the money you need, but don’t forget marriage is for richer AND for poorer.
Popular culture is filled with tales of finding a soul mate and falling in love. As children, we hear stories of princesses riding off into the sunset with their knights in shining armor, finding happily ever after. As we age, movies replace these princesses with average people who experience love at first sight. Their spouses are always perfect, marriages are effortless, and any disagreements are quickly resolved. But are these fairytales and fantasies skewing our collective belief on love and hurting our relationships?
As Dr. Jay Kent-Ferraro explains in a recent Huffington Post article:
“Real love is never about ‘falling’ into anything, has nothing to do with ‘finding a soul mate’… Relationships fail because we don’t know what love is or what is required to actually love someone. Most see the main problem of love as that of ‘being loved’, that is finding the ‘right’ person, missing completely the real problem, namely, our capacity to love another which is no small task, not just find the person who will love us as we deem necessary.”
The real act of love requires commitment, work, and continuous growth, both individually and as a couple. It is not simply about finding the “right” person; it is also about being the “right” person. By working with a marital mediator, couples have the opportunity to explore what it means to be in love and married. This involves examining the strengths of the marriage and each other. Both spouses can examine their relationship expectations; decide whether those expectations are realistic; and if they are, explore whether the relationship meets those expectations. When there are personal or relationship shortcomings, marital mediation provides the ideal environment for spouses to discover what they can do to improve themselves and their marriage.
Faithfulness is the most important factor in a successful marriage, according to a recent survey by Pew Research Center. Participants were asked to rank nine items associated with a successful marriage as either “very important,” “important,” or “not very important.” The following graph represents the percent which responded that a particular quality is “very important” to marital success.
9-18-2011 to 9-24-2011
This week we focused on those married with children. Here’s the latest news:
Looking for more parenting information? Our more of our popular parenting articles:
How often do you and your spouse have a date night? According to this week’s marriage poll, 71% of couples have date night every few weeks. How do you compare? Like us on Facebook to vote.
Join us for daily marriage tips! Here is this week’s most re-tweeted marriage and parenting advice:
- Spoil your spouse, not your children. Be a relationship role model and show them how to unselfishly give to a spouse
- Children learn from what they see. What are you teaching your children about marriage?
- Compromise is unselfishly putting your marital happiness ahead of your personal happiness
Don’t miss the latest marriage updates, follow us on Twitter!
Today’s parents are embracing the mindset of “staying together for the kids” out of a desire to protect their children from the pain of divorce. But parents must also protect their children by preventing conflict. Parental conflict, regardless of divorce, can have a long term effect on children, including an increased the likelihood that children will experience relationship failure and divorce themselves.
Research shows that the highest occurrence of divorce is among those whose parents were classified as having high conflict relationship and who also divorced. The second highest divorce rate was found among adult children whose parents did not divorce, but were classified as having a high conflict relationship. The second lowest divorce rate was found among adult children whose parents divorced, but had a low conflict relationship. The lowest rate of divorce was found among the adult children whose parents remained married and had a low conflict relationship. If it was only divorce that harmed children, instead of the level of conflict between parents, then the rate of low conflict parents who divorce should produce higher rates of adult child divorce than the high conflict parents who stayed together.
As explained in the study, children learn by observing the behaviors of their parents, and they grow up to model the conflict style of their parents. Marital conflict style is a factor in divorce. Children who observe high amounts of parent conflict, especially when the conflict is not resolved, develop poor communication and conflict resolution skills themselves, resulting in a higher likelihood that their future marriages will fail. Conversely, children who observe their parents communicating positively and resolving conflict are more likely to have better relationship skills and greater likelihood of successful future marriages. Even though children still observe some conflict, the act of seeing their parents effectively resolve conflict teaches children positive relationship behaviors.
A couple’s ability to resolve conflict is not only determinative of whether their marriage will survive, but also whether their children will be more likely to have a successful marriage. Marital mediation teaches couples the necessary communication skills they need to resolve conflict. For example, couples will learn techniques such as reframing, expressing interests and needs, and how to use active listening. This allows couples to solve the problems they are facing today and to minimize conflict in the future.
It is estimated that 65% of people who remarry have a child from a prior relationship. In reality, the percentage could be higher because there are no accurate statistics about the number of stepfamilies (when at least one spouse has a child from a previous relationship) and blended families (when there are children born of the marriage and at least one child from a previous relationship). Household demographics focus on the makeup of a child’s primary residence, indicating whether the custodial parent has remarried. Demographics do not usually consider when a child is a part of a stepfamily because the non-custodial parent remarried. Current methods of reporting also ignore the fact that one child can be a part of two stepfamilies if both parents have remarried.
Despite shortcomings in calculating the actual number of stepfamilies and blended families, there is information available about the divorce rate in these families. Statistics consistently show that the risk of divorce is higher in marriages that have children from prior relationships, as compared to marriages without children from prior relationships. Stepfamilies and blended families tend to have additional stressors due to the dynamics of the relationships involved and the more complex family structure. When there are children from previous relationships, many couples find it helpful to address parenting issues before having children together. Marital mediation is a comfortable environment in which couples can explore the challenges and sources of conflict within their family, then develop solutions together.
Couples must learn how to balance being a devoted spouse and a devoted parent or stepparent. Stepfamilies are usually given advice that the children must always come first. Under this approach, spouses easily become consumed with the needs of the children and dismissive of the needs of each other. This can result in a decrease in marital stability. To create a lasting marriage, it is important that you make your marriage a priority.
Historically, attention has focused on the difficulties children face in adjusting to a new family situation, while ignoring the challenges spouses face in adopting the stepparent role or adapting to a joint parenting style. Each spouse enters the stepfamily with their own traditions, family norms, and expectations. This can be a major source of conflict, especially when spouses disagree on child rearing issues. In order to have strength as a couple, it is important for both spouses to be comfortable with the decisions made regarding children.
In marital mediation, couples can develop a unified parenting approach. A couple can work together to establish clear rules, appropriate expectations, and acceptable standards for behavior for all children of the household. The couple can develop a framework for the types of decisions regarding children that will be jointly made. Additionally, the couple can work towards defining the stepparent role. For example, to what extent does the stepparent participate in discipline?
In addition, there may be other stressors due to estate planning considerations. For instance, a person in a second marriage who has children from the first marriage may wish to put estate planning in place to ensure that part of his or her estate goes to the children of the first marriage. This can be done through a prenuptial agreement prior to the second marriage, or by a postnuptial agreement after the marriage. If it is not done, it can cause severe conflict between the spouses and the children that could lead to divorce.
In stepfamilies and blended families, problems are usually based on the dynamics of the relationships involved and the complex interactions among family members. Effective conflict resolution skills are needed to handle matters involving children, especially since these are often emotional issues that require sensitivity. In marital mediation, spouses have goal-oriented discussions and learn necessary communication skills. When spouses in stepfamilies and blended families participate in marital mediation, they are more likely to have strong marriages and stable families.
Everyone knows that stress can cause a lot of problems, so it should be no surprise that too much stress can harm your marriage. To protect your marriage from stress, first, you have to figure out what is causing the stress. This can be tricky, as spouses often get caught up assigning blame and passing judgement. A neutral third party, like a marital mediator, can help you identify the stressor(s) in your marriage: time-based stress, strain-based stress, and behavior-based stress. With the source of the stress identified, a marital mediator will help you and your spouse create a plan of action to improve your marriage.
