Marriage Mediation

What is Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation)?
Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) is a method of helping couples who are experiencing marital problems and who would prefer to stay together rather than get divorced. It is a type of mediation with a married couple that is trying to stay married. Sometimes people enter Marital Mediation who are not sure whether or not they will be divorcing, so the term is quite neutral. It is mediation with an intent or aim to try to work out problems in the marriage that the couple is suffering.

How does Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) work?
Marital Mediation does not seek to delve deeply into the past or interpersonal, psychological issues of the couple or its individual members. Through Marital Mediation, the couple can develop concrete plans or modes of action that can be helpful to address their marital problems. The couple sees a trained mediator (often a practicing attorney or a mental health professional who has mediation training), who uses short-term dispute resolution techniques to provide help in breaking impasses and in improving the couple’s interpersonal communication skills. Sometimes this helps a couple to pass through a difficult period and move forward in their marriage.

What is the difference between Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) and marital counseling?
Marital counseling is performed by a mental health professional and involves therapeutic analysis and insights. While very useful to many couples at times during their marriage. Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) is a practical method that relies on dispute resolution techniques. If performed by an attorney, the couple can be assisted by legal-based knowledge and options. Mediators with other backgrounds (mental health, employment, etc.) will bring their special skills and training to the process.

Why see a Marital Mediator (Marriage Mediator) rather than a Divorce Mediator?
People often “jump the gun” when they are having marital problems. Their minds immediately go to the idea of divorce, because they see and know of no other option. Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) helps a couple envision a positive future if they stay together and have a potentially happy marriage, rather than proceeding to a divorce. What people often don’t know is that marriage skills can be taught and learned. The difference between a marriage that lasts and one that breaks down is often the success of this learning process.

Should I see a lawyer or mediator for Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation)?
Many marital problems (especially in more “mature” marriages) flow from financial disputes and insecurities. Mediators who are practicing attorneys are often in a good position to analyze finances, understand legal options, and assist the couple in finding concrete solutions about their financial problems. It may be helpful to use a lawyer/ mediator who has knowledge in the following areas: divorce, tax law, estate planning, business law, or a combination of these.

Is it helpful to see a mediator for Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) who is a mental health professional?
Yes. Mediators who are psychotherapists and counselors can be extremely helpful in assisting couples in distress. For Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation), it is preferable that the mediator be experienced in divorce mediation. Often a couple will see a mediator at the same time they are seeing a couples’ counselor or are seeing a therapist individually. It is good to use as many techniques as are effective. Couples can also receive help from mediators who are not attorneys or mental health professionals when experiencing marital problems.

Will the mediation process teach us new ways to relate to each other?
Yes. Many couples in divorce mediation have said that if they had known what they learned about conflict resolution in their divorce mediation while they were married, they would not have needed to get divorced. As Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) progresses, the couple learns to use new techniques to address conflict in their own marriage. They will have another tool in their “marital toolbox” as they go forward.

Does Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) result in a written agreement?
Not always. Some couples would like a written memorialization in a Memorandum of Understanding or Postnuptial Agreement (also called a Postmarital Agreement or Postnup). This can be a template for them while going forward in their marriage. Some couples feel that the verbal understanding is enough and that a written agreement is unnecessary.

Is a Postnuptial Agreement legally valid and binding in the future?
The legal status of Postnuptial Agreements is somewhat unclear, and depends on what state you live in. In Massachusetts, it is likely that under the correct facts and circumstances, a properly conceived and fairly written Postnuptial Agreement (like a prenuptial agreement) can be valid in case of a divorce. More importantly, the Agreement can set the couple on a path towards reconciliation and clarity over issues that are troubling them and can help prevent divorce.

What types of issues can be dealt with in Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation)?
Many marriages (especially more lengthy marriages) fail due to financial problems and concerns. Issues of contribution (monetary and otherwise) have a huge impact on the viability and happiness of marriages. A job loss or a bankruptcy can make a couple distrustful of each other, to the point at which the marriage is at risk. Or, an inheritance can be imminent at a time when a marriage is experiencing problems. Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) can also be used to heal a marriage in the case of infidelity and problems with children. It can also be used to address typical conflicts that arises from time to time in all marriages.

What other kinds of problems lend themselves to Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation)?
A couple may have financial concerns related to one or both of the parties having children from a previous marriage. A couple may have different spending habits and styles which are making them very angry at each other, or one of the spouses may be an entrepreneurial risk-taker, while the other may be more financially conservative. A couple may be driven apart by a renovation or job losses. Couples with these and other financially-based fact patterns can often be greatly helped by Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation).

Is it sometimes helpful for a married couple in trouble to get information about divorce?
Yes. Often people are completely unrealistic about divorce and what life after a divorce will be like. There are two areas of confusion – one is that a divorce will solve their problems. The other misconception is what the financial result of a divorce will be. Most divorcing couples have a highly unrealistic view on what life will be post-divorce. A reality check can be very helpful before a couple makes irrevocable steps to divorce.

What does contribution have to do with marriage?
Contribution, financial or otherwise, has everything to do with marriage. It also has everything to do with divorce. If one party feels he or she is carrying the weight of responsibilities, the marriage will be detrimentally affected. Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) can work on these perceptions and sometimes help resolve these issues.

Why see a mediator rather than a mental health professional?
Utilizing Marital Mediation (Marriage Mediation) is not a choice of one method over another. A troubled couple should use all the resources they can. If one or both of the parties suffers from depression, addiction, or other problems, individual counseling is clearly indicated. Couples can also get great help from marital counselors. Sometimes a couple’s efforts in all directions will provide the help they need to overcome a problem that is causing their marriage to break down.

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