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We just came across a great article on improving marriage by the (AAML) American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. You can read the whole article here.
They conclude the article with these 12 ways to improve your marriage:
- Treat your spouse like your best friend or most important colleague.
- Don’t expect to get more from your spouse than you give of yourself.
- Don’t lose your sense of humor; have fun with your spouse.
- Don’t demean your spouse in public or in private.
- Learn to listen, learn to hear.
- Learn to argue respectfully.
- Look for resolution rather than victory.
- Assess your own mistakes and acknowledge them.
- When you apologize, mean it, and sound like it. Be short on blame and long on forgiveness.
- Be willing to change your opinions and attitudes.
- Look at changes in your life as an opportunity to grow.
- Don’t try to change your spouse; accept your spouse “as is.”
There is a veil of silence that surrounds every married couple. Spouses express loyalty by not complaining about their partner or their marriage. People feel ashamed if other people know there are problems in their marriage. People often feel that they are the only ones with an imperfect marriage. The truth is that every marriage is complex and every marriage is a blend of the imperfect, the perfect, and everything in between.
Often people want to bail out when the going gets tough. People in long-term marriages know that if that happened, there would be no one left standing in long-term marriages. What should one do during those times of discomfort in a marriage?
Learn to Make Your Marriage Work
People use books and take classes to learn everything — how to kayak, how to use a computer program, how to paint with oils — the list is endless. A marriage is one of the most important aspects of one’s life. And yet when a marriage is suffering and needs to be fixed, people do not tend to seek the knowledge and education that would help put the marriage back on the right track.
Many married couples actively address problems in their marriage by seeking individual and/or marital counseling at strategic times. This is a very good thing and provides tools for communication and change. Books can also help. I highly recommend George Pransky’s The Relationship Handbook for spousal reading, chapter by chapter, in bed before going to sleep. Pransky is a PhD psychologist, and the book describes a positive and workable approach to addressing marital problems.
A Lawyer/Mediator Can Help
Lawyer/Mediators have a special set of skills that can help a couple work through their problems. The first of these is dispute resolution skills. Lawyer/mediators know how to help people express themselves clearly (or translate an imperfect expression) by “reframing”, so that conflict can be clearly addressed. Sometimes parties can trade interests, so that a resolution provides more of what each party wants, and is no longer a “zero-sum” game. This can get people out of fixed positional bargaining and can lead to new openings in their interactions. A lawyer/mediator can sometimes help people find solutions that they did not think of themselves.
Why a Lawyer
Lawyers (especially divorce lawyers) tend to be very conversant in business and financial matters. They have to be to do this work. This expertise can often help a couple in trouble.
Many marital problems (especially in longer marriages) deal with financial concerns. For instance, there may be a devastating business reversal, illness, or job loss. There may be children of previous marriages, and concerns about making sure they have an inheritance after one’s death. Or the parties may not be able to appreciate the contributions the other brings into the marriage, some of which might be non-monetary.
Lawyer/mediators can help a couple work through these problems, and in some cases, write agreements (“Postnuptial Agreements”) and/or estate planning documents that will help the couple move forward and alleviate some of the conflict.
Mediation to Stay Married
Mediation to Stay Married offers couples a safe place to work their way through sustaining their marriage. It’s voluntary, neutral, and non-adversarial, and led by an attorney/mediator who will help define areas of conflict for mutual solutions. In a non-threatening and comfortable setting, the mediator will set the stage for frank discussions. If the mediator is an attorney, the parties will have the benefit of legal insights into their problems. The negotiations and understandings may or may not result in a written agreement. This is totally up to the couple. In any event, it can be a step forward in mutual understanding and respect, and may let a marriage live to see a new day.
Published with permission, adapted from the article How to Save Your Marriage.
One of the most interesting and fulfilling parts of my law practice is to assist people who are contemplating divorce or in the midst of divorcing. I consider this work in helping people though a very significant transition in life quite meaningful. An attorney applies all of his or her legal knowledge in dealing with divorce issues — financial, real estate, pension, and tax law. In addition, all the attorney’s personal experiences, plus knowledge gained through his or her practice are used to address the personal issues in a divorce — anger, grief, fear, and issues involving children.
As a divorce attorney, I generally do not go into active attack mode immediately when I meet a new divorce client. (Of course, if there has been physical abuse, protective actions must be taken immediately.) I probe a new client carefully to see if this is a divorce that will really happen, or whether a client is just considering divorce as an alternative to an unhappy period in his or her marriage.
Many times clients think divorce is the only way out of an uncomfortable marriage, without analyzing the repercussions of divorce — financial and otherwise. Unfortunately, some attorneys start the ball rolling right away with a letter or a filing before doing this initial step. Lawyers are technicians, and sometimes the technical side can overcome the human side. By doing the initial step of probing the causes of the breakup, even if the marriage can’t be saved, the divorce can progress in a healthier manner.
An Idealized Picture of Divorce
I certainly don’t believe all marriages should (or can) be saved. However, there are some cases where a gentle touch by the lawyer at the beginning can lead the parties back to each other. For instance, in hearing a client’s story, the attorney (as an objective “third party”) can point out that the client may have a misunderstanding regarding the other spouse’s motives, actions, or feelings. The attorney might be able to see that there is still great affection between the client and his or her spouse. Or, the client may be totally unaware of the financial rules of divorce, and has an idealized (and totally incorrect) picture of what the economic ramifications of the divorce will be. In cases like these (and many others), the chances of reconciling are present and can be quite significant.
If you ask any “happily” married couple whether they’ve considered divorce, I think you’ll find the answer in most cases (if they are being honest) to be “yes.” That they have considered divorce does not mean the marriage should be abandoned, or that their marriage is valueless. On the contrary, it shows the strength of marriage as an institution, since a marriage often grows stronger as it encounters and overcomes problems. It is often the negative experiences in life (death, illness, bankruptcy) even more than the positive ones (children, livelihood, family) that can bring a married couple closer together.
As any married person knows, all marriages are not perfect. People who are married tend to have a great deal of patience, and look at the glass as “half full” rather than “half empty.” People in vital, healthy marriages see that their appreciation of and commitment to their spouses grow deeper as the years progress. It seems very sad for people in a divorce to throw away the investment of 5, 10, or 20 years with a spouse, and yet this may be necessary at times if living with a spouse is painful and the pain never lets up.
A Rule For Couples in Difficulty
But how much pain is too much? I have a rule about how long a marriage should continue when it hits a painful period. If you’ve been married two years, give it another two years. If you’ve been married for five years, give it another five years. You will find that the painful periods are usually patches that resolve after a relatively short period of time, and the marriage continues. Aren’t you lucky you didn’t throw it away? To harden a painful period into a divorce may not be a useful action to do to yourself and your spouse. At first you had (solvable) problems. Now you have a divorce, which is a problem in itself. I can’t tell you how many people in their second marriages have told me that if they knew then what they know now, they would have been able to work things out and stay with their first spouse (not that their second spouse is such a bad person).
If you’re seriously contemplating a divorce, you should see an attorney right away to figure out what the economic repercussions of your divorce will be. Divorce law is fairly straightforward, and an attorney can give you a “read” on what the economic results of divorcing would be for you and your spouse. If your (or your spouse’s) position has not hardened, this information may be helpful in deciding to divorce or trying to make your marriage more satisfying to each of you. We hear a lot about those “Hollywood Divorces” — people of higher economic means who are able to divorce frequently without drastic consequences. People in more modest economic situations are actually luckier, since their mutual economic interdependence is a strong positive force that helps preserve and maintain their marriages, and helps them appreciate the efforts of each other in daily life.
Of course, both parties must be committed to trying to work out their marriage. It helps to know that everyone’s marriage isn’t perfect, and that marriages can actually get better as time goes on. If you want to continue to try to work it out, seeing an excellent couples counselor on a regular basis for a period of time (and having that person “on call” for future problems) can really work.
Published with permission. Adapted from the article Happy Wife, Happy Life.
Did you ever hear the expression “Happy Wife, Happy Life”? This overused adage seems to help some people (generally husbands) focus on their wife’s happiness in order to secure a peaceful, happy marriage. It seems quite manipulative. What about the man’s happiness? It’s interesting that the opposite “Happy Husband, Happy Life” is not used. Studies show that divorces are more often initiated by wives, so perhaps there tends to be an inequality in marital contentment, weighed towards the husbands’ side.
I originally thought the expression “Happy Wife, Happy Life” was of Oriental origin, because it seemed like the kind of thing you’d find in a fortune cookie. However, my Google search on the term brought up no Oriental sources.
The search for “Happy Wife, Happy Life” did in fact bring up a website www.happywife.com, the work of Rabbi Aryeh Pamensky, who offers many marriage improvement resources (including his own books, tapes, seminars, etc.) on the site. The term, however, does not seem to be derived from Rabbinic literature, and according to Pamensky, his courses and materials are used by people of difference faiths other than the Jewish, and also by secular couples.
The adage is confirmed by a 2009 German study of Australian divorces that notes where there is a disparity on satisfaction of the husband and the wife, divorce is much more likely, especially if the relative dissatisfaction is experienced by the wife. Link: http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/29/dont-become-happier-than-your-wife/
Then there’s www.yourhappywife.com. This site seeks to assist husbands in making their wives happy by helping them choose presents for their wives, which can be conveniently ordered on the website. Actually, the wares are quite attractive, including eco-soap and herbal teas. These might certainly pave the way for a clueless husband seeking to make his wife happy. In addition, the husband needing further help can email the site and pose his marital question or problem. “Within 24 hours or sooner”, the person(s) operating the site will respond with the best advice they can give. The site notes that all emails will be kept confidential and, in order to receive the best advice possible, that honesty is expected from the husband seeking advice. (I’d like to be a fly on that wall!)
As Rabbi Pamensky says on his site, “A happy wife is a happy life. It’s just that simple.”
But is it?
George Pransky, a psychologist in Washington State has another theory of marital dysfunction. His theory is that a person’s own mental/emotional state is the biggest indicator of whether the marriage will work well. If two people have a low mental or emotional state, Pransky says, marriage enrichment or marital therapy is like spraying for mildew in a damp basement. It never works as a long-term cure. In his marital counseling, Pransky tries to elevate the couple from the damp basement into an environment of good mental health. It is only then, Pransky says, that people can truly work on their marriage to make it thrive and survive. Prasky’s book, “The Relationship Handbook”, is a great resource for those couples who want to elevate their mental state and start working on their relationship. You can order a copy through www.amazon.com
So perhaps the more accurate stating of the adage is “Happy Life, Happy Wife.” Or even “Happy Life, Happy Husband.”
Published with permission. Adapted from article The Great Banana Wars.
Marital disputes are an inevitable fact of life. It is the way that couples deal with these disputes that makes the difference between a viable marriage and one that is too unpleasant to bear. Usually, people are quite unreflective as to what is at the root of the arguments. People get angry, the speech gets “hot”, and the couple goes down the road of hurtful communication with no resolution in sight.
Fortunately, for many couples, there is a safety valve, which has been called the “Positive Sentiment Override” (“PSO”) by marriage expert John Gottman. What this means, is that no matter how hard you’re fighting and no matter what angry words have been uttered, if the positive interactions outweigh the negative (and if the couple basically respects one another and has a high level of fondness and appreciation for the other spouse), they tend to ignore the small disputes, even if quite nasty and unproductive. In other words, if there is enough positive sentiment in the relationship, the positive sentiment will overcome negative interchanges. However, in some relationships, the negative interchanges far exceed the positive ones. Those are relationships which may be doomed to divorce, unless the couple works on their communication and dispute resolution skills.
It is important for all couples to address their disputes and to see if they can understand where the fighting is coming from. By deconstructing their marital disputes (an exercise very similar to literary analysis), the couple can identify the deeper causes of their quarrels. Knowledge is power; knowing the roots of their differences in attitude and why they push each other’s buttons so strongly may lead a couple to mutual understanding and more peaceful interchanges.
Let me give you an example:
As a marital mediator, I have asked couples to keep a pad and take notes as to the arguments they have had between sessions. These notes, when “mined”, can become fruitful areas of discussion and lead to furthering mutual understanding. It’s best to take the notes out of eyeshot of the partner. However, it is especially good to write down the notes close to the time the dispute ends.
For instance, a couple may have a marital dispute involving a banana. Actually, it might be a dispute about a half of a banana. The dispute would present as follows:
One of the spouses may ask if he could eat one half of a banana. The other spouse might become extremely angry and may vocally express intense anger. When asked by the banana-eating spouse why she was so upset, she might say that did not want to have to take care of the leftover half of a banana. Does this sound like an important argument? Not really, and yet this could result in a ferocious verbal brawl between the spouses, eliciting great emotion and anger, resulting in some very “hot” words. When parsing this dispute, deep-seated issues can be uncovered, and deconstruction of the “Great [Half-] Banana War” may turn out to be especially fruitful for the couple. (Sorry for the pun!)
How does one deconstruct this argument? First, one must look at the initial flashpoint of the argument: what will happen to the uneaten half of the banana? We’ll begin with the spouse who initially voiced distress. When asked why she was upset, the caretaker spouse would say that she felt the eater spouse would not take care of the uneaten half, and that she would have to do so. When asked what she meant by “take care of”, the spouse would reply that she would have to take responsibility for storing the uneaten fruit, tracking of how long it remained uneaten and eventually disposing of it in some way. She felt irked at the perceived added responsibility and the belief her spouse neither recognized the responsibility nor appreciated her for taking it.
It is only with this answer that her deeper concerns begin to come to light. There are several issues at play here, those of contribution in the marriage, gender, family of origin and fairness. If asked to analyze her feelings about the banana incident, the caretaker spouse might say that she feels all the work around the house is up to her, even when her spouse is off work. She might say that she feels her efforts are ignored and that her contributions are not appreciated — reminding her of how her mother worked around the house (not so happily) during her childhood. She may also voice that the eating spouse’s mother did everything for him around the house when he was growing up and continues to do so, and so he has become used to being served at home.
The deconstruction would not be complete without the eating spouse’s perspective. Again, analysis reveals separate, but also key, deep-rooted issues. Based on his spouse’s reaction, he would say that he felt like he was being pushed into eating the entire banana, when he only wanted to eat a half. (This raises issues of control.)
Being somewhat overweight, the eater spouse would say that he did not want eat the whole banana and did not want to function as a garbage disposal. (This raised feelings that he was being unprotected by his spouse, and therefore not loved. Did his spouse want to do him physical harm?) He also was very concerned about throwing away the uneaten half. He would be wasting food in a world in which people were hungry. (Deep-seated political and social values are relevant to him in this dispute.) He had been taught to clean his plate at meals as a child because of “all the starving children in China”. (He is responding to family values and family-of-origin training) And as the primary wage-earner in the relationship, he also thinks that by wasting a half banana, the other spouse is wasting the money he earns with much effort. (This raises financial issues that are at the root of many marital disputes, and also contribution in the marriage and gender issues.)
What does the deconstruction of this argument show? It shows how seemingly unimportant disagreements are rooted in important martial issues. As detailed above, this little argument over one half of a banana has revealed virtually all of the basic issues over which spouses struggle in their effort to achieve a harmonious marriage. If thoughtfully analyzed, the most innocuous and ridiculous-seeming arguments can provide fodder for mutual discussion of significant areas of concern for each spouse.
Summarized, these mega-issues are contribution to the marital enterprise, concern for the other spouse, gender roles and financial issues. Further analysis will show how the family of origin has shaped each spouse and how a spouse’s personal belief system, political and social views and values, form the basis of his/her thoughts and behaviors that color almost every interpersonal interaction in a marriage. Heavy food for thought, even if only about a banana. (Well, actually, only about half of banana.)
So, the next time you enter into the Great Banana Wars with your spouse, write some notes when you have cooled down, and set aside some quality time to discuss the root issues with your spouse. When you peel away the surface of a marital dispute, such as this one, you will mine a great wealth of information that can help you and your spouse improve mutual understanding, and therefore lead to a better marriage.
