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Lasting marriages take effort and commitment. Many couples enter marriage without a clear vision of what happensonce the wedding is over. High newlywed divorce rates show that too many couples are unprepared for married life. On average, 1-in-12 marriages will not last past the newlywed stage. It is important for couples to begin working on making marriage a success from the beginning.
Studies show that the first few years of marriage are critical to a couple’s long term success. The newlywed stage is the foundation of a marriage. It is when spouses define their identity as a couple– what’s important, how conflict is handled, and family values. This marital identity will influence what happens during the course of the marriage and how spouses behave.
All marriages go through cycles. The early “honeymoon phase” is full of excitement and optimism for the future together. Couples spend this time making plans and exploring what they want out of the marriage. After being married between six and twelve months, reality starts to set in for most couples. Grand plans are traded for daily responsibilities. Bad habits and differences of opinion start to become more apparent. By the end of the first year of marriage, many couples begin to experience conflict. Once conflict begins, couples need to develop communication skills and coping strategies together.
While the exact time frame will vary among couples, this pattern is typical for newlyweds. Couples who were in a relationship for a long time or lived together before marriage are not immune. Marriage involves the assumption of a new role and responsibilities, and this typically requires change and growth. Marital mediation is one way to help newlyweds through this process.
The transition from single life to married life is a challenging but important stage in a relationship. A couple’s ability to successfully overcome early challenges determines whether the marriage will last. Spouses who can communicate well and work together to develop mutually acceptable solutions to problems make a solid foundation for their marriage. Couples who cannot effectively resolve and deal with conflict are more likely to break up. Marital mediation can help couples to create a healthy identity and solid foundation for the future.
The difficultly newlyweds face is in combining the wants, desires, and opinions of two people in a cohesive fashion. Each person enters a marriage with certain assumptions about roles, life expectations, and beliefs. Spouses may have different priorities and different ways of approaching problems. Through marital mediation, couples can design ways to recognize and satisfy each other’s individual dreams while moving towards the same vision of the future.
Daily decisions can also be a source of stress in a new marriage. All couples must devise a plan about how to handle finances, allocate chores, and spend free time. Habits and traditions may need to be modified; for example, whose family to visit on the holidays. Usually, things do not fall into place without couples specifically working together to find common ground. Marital mediation assists couples in this transition to joint decision making.
Marital mediation can help newlyweds address expectations and create a unified plan. This goal-oriented style of problem solving is perfect for newlyweds. Spouses can develop their marital identity, identify relationship stressors, and learn communication and conflict resolution strategies. It is a practical to approach challenges since the couples stays focused on the future. With marital mediation, couples can develop the skills needed to stay together through life’s big challenges.
Mark Suster is a well-known technology blogger, entrepreneur, and venture capitalist. On the occasion of his wedding anniversal, he departed from his usual tech startup advice to talk about his marriage.
When I was in my early 20′s I was fortunate enough to live in a small house in Manhattan Beach, CA with a beautiful ocean view. Having been born in Philly and having been raised in landlocked Sacramento, CA it was truly an amazing thing to literally hear the ocean waves crash every night from my bedroom as I went to sleep and to see the ocean view every morning as I got ready for work.
For weeks or months I gazed at the ocean at every opportunity I could. ”Pinch me – is this my life?” But slowly, strangely and without notice I stopped looking quite as much. I’d love to say that I always appreciated the majesty of the ocean and the sunsets every night. I didn’t. Eventually the ocean view just became life and life was filled with work, stress, bills, cooking dinner, watching football, suffering hangovers, talking on the phone, whatever. The ocean had just become a picture on the wall that I occasionally glanced at. I wish I could say otherwise…
I don’t take my wife for granted at all. Whenever I come home from a day of 8 meetings plus an evening speaking event I always instantly feel serene and I always thank her for that. I am fortunate to come home to my understanding wife who knows what it is that modern workers go through. And I know that I’m not the easiest person in the world: I have strong opinions, I’m self righteous, I’m stubborn and I’m less organized at home than I could be. I’m grateful that I have a true friend & partner who loves me for who I am rather than for my potential.
Read the whole article.
According to Forbes Magazine, Tiger’s net worth from his work as a professional golfer is about a $600 million dollars. (The $1 billion figure in the news is his lifetime earnings, not net worth.)
Tiger actually fits the profile of having a good chance of having a marriage that lasted. He met his wife four years before they were married. Tiger’s parents remained married until his father’s death in 2006. When a child’s parents remain married, the child generally has a better chance of having a lifelong relationship.
However, there were three strikes against him. Tiger had become a very wealthy man at a very young age through his own efforts at his profession. He has been a celebrity in the public light for a long time. These two factors alone can cause several personal and identity problems. And the third (probably the worst) problem is that Tiger (presumably advised by his attorneys) made sure that he entered into a Prenuptial Agreement with Elin prior to their marriage in 2004. This provided that Elin would get $20 million if she remained married to him for 10 years.
Now, it appears that Tiger and his wife are compounding the error by renegotiating the Prenuptial Agreement, rather than just trashing it.
Tiger’s first offer was to add another $5 million to the $20 million Elin would have received under the original terms of the Prenuptial Agreement. Now, according to news reports, he is offering her another $80 million to remain with him another six years. (Hmm, how much is that a year?) Even $80 million for a man with $600 million is small change to buy Elin’s willingness to give Tiger another chance to recommit to his marriage. So the message is, “You stay with me for another six years, and I will throw a little more money at you if we divorce.” It doesn’t show very much commitment on Tiger’s part.
The sad truth is that most fundamental problem in the Tiger Woods marriage may be that they had a Prenuptial Agreement in the first place. It allowed Tiger to have one foot in the marriage and one foot out of the marriage. It allowed Tiger (and Elin) to contemplate a divorce and the terms of the divorce even before they took their vows. It allowed Elin (who was 24 years old at the time of the marriage) to make decisions with a huge impact about the financial implications of the institution of marriage before which she really knew what marriage was about. It probably made Elin feel abused and probably made Tiger feel cruel and heartless. Not a good way to begin a marriage.
So when Tiger and Elin got married, they did not make the 100% commitment that most other married people make on their wedding day. They had wedding vows, but if they said “I marry you with this ring, with all that I have and all that I am, for better or worse, for richer or poorer … ” they were not telling the truth. Tiger and his attorneys were manipulating the terms of a very real institution that has been developed throughout the thousands of years that humans have been creating supportive, monogamous relationships. By manipulating it with a Prenuptial Agreement, they were weakening it, not strengthening it. It’s not surprising that Tiger may have found it relatively easy to depart from his marital vows. He had made another (contractual) vow that conflicted with the marital vows.
As a result, Tiger and Elin were only half married. Marriage requires total commitment. A Prenuptial Agreement gives a person a “way out” of the marriage. Without that total commitment there are bound to be marital problems and divorce. It’s not surprising that Tiger and Elin ran into problems. Couples that depend on each other financially do not have the latitude to think about straying from the marriage. It is actually a blessing in a marriage not to have “too much” money.
What if Elin said to Tiger, “Yes, I will stay married to you, but only if we rip up the Prenuptial Agreement and be like real married couples.” Yes, they would have risk and uncertainly if there is divorce. Maybe that’s a good thing. If Tiger finally said “Yes, I will be married to you, completely”, then Elin and Tiger could start to be truly committed to their marriage without money getting in the way. They would both be following the marriage vows, and their marriage could truly restart.
So Elin and Tiger, think for a moment about tearing up that Prenuptial Agreement and starting a real marriage now. Say to each other (finally) “I marry you with all that I have and all that I am.”
Here are 5 Realities of Prenuptial Agreements:
Reality 1: Negotiating a prenuptial agreement may irrevocably corrode your marriage and has the potential to make divorce much more likely.
The future spouse who pushes for a prenuptial agreement demonstrates a lack of faith in the other and a lack of commitment to the marriage. That prospective spouse also presumes a lack of fairness from the other in case of divorce.
There is usually an “initiator” spouse, and a “compliant” spouse. The negotiations will always be remembered as callous by the “compliant” spouse. The dynamics of the negotiations set up a bad pattern for the marriage.
Negotiating a prenuptial agreement is not romantic and can destroy a portion of the couples’ love forever. It is a harsh business negotiation, made harsher by the lawyers who must be involved, because the agreement is generally not enforceable without involvement of separate legal counsel.
Marriage is a mixture of a complicated set of laws, customs, expectations, and culturally-based understandings. A premarital agreement will upset this balance in unexpected ways and is bound to have unintended consequences.
Most lawyers representing parties in prenuptial agreements have no sensitivity to the harm they cause the couple and simply act (or pretend) as if it is purely a business deal. Marriage is not a business.
Often the initiating party (or their lawyer) says, “You can just put the premarital agreement in a drawer and forget about it.” That is not true. The premarital agreement cannot be forgotten and is presumptively legally binding as soon as it is pulled out of the drawer.
The initiator of a prenuptial agreement fails to trust and appreciate the balance of good common sense and equity embodied in state divorce laws. These laws were carefully developed during a long period of time and are designed to provide for fair solutions to all aspects of divorce, including the financial elements.
Many things, unforeseeable at the time the prenuptial agreement is signed, will likely happen during the course of a marriage. Applying these state laws at the time of divorce is more sensible than anything the parties can think of years before the divorce occurs.
If a “better” result than would be obtained by state divorce laws accrues to the party who initiated the premarital agreement, that “better” result is by definition unfair and a result of overreaching.
Reality 2: The two parties negotiating a Prenuptial Agreement do not generally have equal bargaining power, so the Agreement tends to be coercive and lacking in fair and equivalent consideration.
I have seen many cases where parties negotiate prenuptial agreements very close to the wedding and after the invitations have been sent out. This is not conducive for arm’s-length bargaining about a financial contract that may affect the next 50 years of your life.
Prenuptial agreements are generally one-sided, but are “dressed up” to pretend that there is consideration for the contract on both sides.
The financial contract at the heart of the Prenuptial Agreement involves the largest financial settlement you will ever make in your life, because it includes all property — past, present, and future; inherited, earned, and unearned — , of each of the spouses.
Even mediators can be insensitive to the power imbalance in the parties when assisting clients in negotiating a prenuptial agreement. Mediators should be very aware that the agreement proposed by “both parties” may be really the thoughts of only one and that the other party feels coerced, although does not admit it. All motivations and feelings should be exposed and discussed in the mediation prior to proceeding.
Reality 3: Prenuptial agreements are generally not appropriate for people entering into first marriages, whether or not there is a disparity in income and assets.
Marriage is an exciting joint venture. If some of the aspects of the joint venture are removed by the premarital agreement, the marriage will become weaker. An important part of the joint venture of marriage is the financial partnership. A spouse may correctly feel that some of this aspect of the marriage has been taken away if a premarital agreement is entered into decreasing the spouse’s rights.
State divorce laws can handle the issues of disparity of income and disparity of premarital assets if and when the spouses get divorced. Avoiding court at the cost of an agreement that may make it more likely that there will be marriage failure may not be a sensible trade-off.
However, prenuptial agreements can be highly useful for people entering into second marriages who have children from the first marriage. An agreement can balance a spouse’s loyalty to the new spouse and with the spouse’s concern and loyalty to the children of the first marriage.
Reality 4: A Prenuptial Agreement often damages the relationship between the two families-of-origin.
A party (or the party’s parents) may want a financial agreement prior to the marriage due to the existence of family wealth. The premarital agreement generally isolates all family property as not part of the marriage, forever. Result: the future spouse’s family feels humiliated and disrespected, and never forgets the rebuff. This is not good for the parties’ marriage, as it will result in family-of-origin conflict that will be present during the entire marriage and remembered until death.
One common fact pattern that I see often is this: the future spouse does not want to have a prenuptial agreement, but his parents insist. The prenuptial agreement is made. The wife feels her husband was unable to stand up to his parents, and loses respect for him.
The control of the marriage by one party’s family of origin disturbs the delicate balance of a marriage and makes it more likely to fail.
Reality 5: The terms of a Prenuptial Agreement are often quite unfair at the time of divorce, even though they are generally enforced by a Court.
Courts routinely enforce premarital agreements that give a spouse a fraction of what the spouse would “deserve” under state law. This proves that the deal made in the prenuptial agreement years earlier were unfair to that spouse.
Parties struggle in courts over prenuptial agreements; prenuptial agreements per se do not eliminate court battles.
Divorce laws are fair. That’s why they were developed. Trust in them (and in your good will and sense of fairness to each other) to do the right thing at the time of divorce. Do not rely on a set of financial agreements made years earlier prior to the marriage that may be totally out of sync with the real facts at the time of divorce. Trust that by foregoing the premarital agreement you have made your marriage stronger and more likely to succeed.
I always cry at weddings. It’s not because I think the wedding is so beautiful or the newlyweds are so adorable. It’s because I know (and they don’t) how difficult marriage will be for them. You will see tears on the faces of everyone over a certain age at a wedding, especially those that are or have been married. The truth about marriage is that marriage is difficult for everyone. But the higher truth is that, even though marriage is difficult, it is worth it.
Many of the people that walk into my divorce law firm asking for my services are men or women, recently married, in their 20s or early 30s. They have completed the honeymoon period of 18 months to 2 years, and find that marriage is not at all what they expected it to be. They were surprised and deeply shocked at how quickly the love (and lust) at the beginning turned into rage and disgust.
They did not go to the next stage of their marriage — the stage of communication, cooperation, and learning about the real person with whom they fell in love. There is probably not much that can be done at that point, when the feelings have turned 180 degrees around and the participants of the marriage (or one of them) has a fixed mind-set that the marriage must end.
But it is actually at that point — when a couple experiences the first signs of disagreement, faulty communications, mistrust, repulsion and lack of respect — when the real work of “marriage” can begin. It’s interesting and valuable work. A couple will eventually find that the work on a marriage not only sustains the marriage and helps it deepen, but also promotes personal growth. Marriage and the work it involves is always worth it. And it can even be fun!
A long marriage invariably has its ups and downs, but over time a married couple builds a history of life together and gathers shared memories that strengthen their marriage. As important, each spouse provides one another with the moral and economic support to enhance their mutual and separate lives. A good marriage is a living process that breeds contentment. It is something precious and attainable by many more people than the current fifty percent divorce rate would indicate.
So what can you do when the first thunderclouds hit?
Well, the most obvious thing (and the thing most people don’t think about!) is to do something about it. I am always totally floored by how people spend more time with their hobbies or watching TV than improving their skills in marriage. Even a little time spent learning how to have a better marriage will be worth it. And yes — marriage is a totally, learnable skill.
Couples can try marital therapists, and if they do not progress with one therapist, try another. There are also many books, CDs, courses and internet material available on how to improve marriage. A couple can look at these materials, choose some, and try to apply them. Experimenting with these techniques on each other can be fun! You can also see a mediator, not for divorce, but to try to help you with conflict resolution techniques that will help your marriage. I call this “Mediation to Stay Married”.
It’s best if both spouses work together on this, but if you have a resistant spouse, then read the books (or go to the therapist) yourself, and practice the techniques and insights on your spouse. (When you do this, your spouse might say, with a chuckle, “Are you practicing on me?”) Try anything you can to break bad patterns at the beginning of the marriage when they arise. Otherwise these bad habits can become entrenched and can doom the marriage to unhappiness and discontent.
I find two books especially helpful for married couples. They are The Relationship Handbook by George Pransky, and Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Strand Ellison. I re-read these books often and give them to my clients.
Pransky’s book is short, well organized, and can be read (by the two of you) chapter by chapter. An example is the chapter entitled “It’s Never Too Late to Get A Fresh Start”. Doesn’t’ that sound good? After reading it, you (and your spouse) will believe it and you will be able to begin anew and overcome discouragement and the “tapes” in your head that says the marriage is no good.
Sharon Strand Ellison’s book requires close reading and lots of practice, but it’s worth it. She posits that “power struggle” is at the root of all imbalances in relationships, and has devised a program called “Powerful Non-Defensive Communication”. It is based on eliminating communication problems by learning to ask questions that won’t lead to a defensive response. A great deal of surprising material is uncovered by asking questions in this way, and great progress can be made toward eliminating arguments and improving mutual understanding of each other.
Both the Pransky and the Ellison books can be purchased on the internet. Buy the books, read them, study them, apply them, and experiment with them on your spouse. These techniques really work and may lead you toward a happy marriage. And, you will find an extra benefit. Learning how to improve the dynamics of your marriage will improve your functioning with others everywhere — at your job, with your family and with your friends.
As a divorce lawyer and mediator, my job is to sort through the wreckage of a marriage to help clients find a post-marriage equilibrium of safety, fairness, and a modicum of peace. I read the signs of the breakdown like reading tea-leaves. The clues are everywhere. The patterns I see repeat themselves over and over again.
The History of a Breakup
Here is a typical pattern: Two people get together. They love each other. They are, in fact, “in love”. They then get married and perhaps have children. The children occupy their attention greatly. The husband (usually) spends great time and effort in the workplace trying to earn enough money to support the family to provide a good and secure lifestyle. The wife (usually) has a less demanding schedule, but pours her part of her effort into creating a home and raising the children.
The wife begins to feel that the husband’s work is more important than her. The husband begins to feel that the wife cares about the children more than she cares about him. They spend little time alone together. They each feel abandoned by the other. Their relationship starts to suffer. They find themselves feeling alone, feeling badly used, and angry at the other partner.
Several years later … at this point, they are almost not talking to each other. Their feelings of love have turned to feelings of hatred and contempt. Many angry interchanges (some in front of the children) have occurred.
They are each ruminating about the possibility of divorce many times during each day. If you counted the times, it would probably exceed 200 each. Thoughts of divorce are obsessing them, much like the proverbial bee in the bonnet.
Why Marriage Counseling “Didn’t Work”
There were a number of reasons that this couple saw “no results” after four sessions with the marital counselor.
The couple thought results should happen in four sessions after many years of a poor marital partnership. Their full and complete effort was stymied by their obsessive thoughts. They were simply unable to let go of their private mental thoughts contemplating divorce. The couple was unable to appreciate perhaps the one single kernel of useful advice that could have turned around their marriage. They expected the marital counseling to solve everything. They could not let go of the common (really universal) idea that the problem was in the other spouse. This means, that in their view, they could “do better” with another future partner. (This is statistically not the case!)
Our hypothetical couple quits marital therapy. They each see a divorce lawyer (or jointly see a divorce mediator) to execute their divorce and destroy their marriage once and for all. The divorce lawyer or mediator does what he/she was hired to do. The marriage is ended. They go on to a highly restricted financial life, hope that their children are not too badly harmed, find another partner, and start all over again. Years later they admit that if they knew back then what they knew now, they’d have known that the first marriage was not fatally flawed. They realize that they could have worked on the first marriage, and it could have succeeded! But back then, they were young and callow, and they simply just didn’t know the skills involved for having a successful marriage.
How to Succeed in Marriage
Marriage is a very complicated art. If you ask anyone who has been married for a long time, you’ll get the response that marriage is one of the hardest things in the world. It is a learned skill. It takes patience, care, determination, forgiveness, and humility. It is as difficult as learning how to be a nuclear physicist or playing the violin. A successful marriage takes many hours and years of deliberate practice. People in long-term marriages have become expert at doing it. Although this may sound rather grim, there is a wonderful feeling between long-term spouses, and a rich shared history that can only come with the passage of time and navigating life’s many setbacks and experiences together.
So what do you newlyweds (and not so newlyweds) need to do?
Don’t let thoughts of divorce overcome you. They become an obsession which will not let you deal with the present – your marriage, your spouse, and your life together. Divorce may come, but don’t speed it up by these thoughts. Remove that bonnet with all its bees! If a thought of divorce comes into your mind, banish it. It is merely a thought, a mental fantasy. It is not something in the present. It is a made-up future.
See that the glass is half full, not half empty. Marriage is all about visualization. Appreciate the good things that come in the relationship; try to let the bad things roll off you.
Get into individual therapy. In many troubled marriages one or the other partner has emotional difficulties. Work on them. Psychological work can really produce results. Find a therapist you feel understands you and can provide helpful feedback. Find a new therapist if this is not happening for you. But remember, the therapy is there for you to gain insight and find a solution for your own problems. Also remember that therapy won’t solve all your problems. If you learn one or two things in therapy, these can be enough to move yourself from a place of stress and unhappiness. Therapy is helpful, but not a cure-all for everything.
Don’t blame the other spouse. Many spouses in a marriage in trouble overuse the blaming game. You can’t control or change your spouse’s behavior except to a very minor degree. That’s just the way things are. Accept it. Take responsibility for your own life. Own your own destiny to create your personal happiness, contentment and fulfillment. Marriage is not supposed to provide this mutual satisfaction. It is your self-actualization into fulfillment of your own separate lives that will produce the best marriage with another like-minded person, your spouse.
Use marital therapy as a resource. Seeing a marital counselor together can provide a warring couple with useful tools. Again, do not expect the marital therapy to solve all the flaws in your marriage. This is work you need to do as a couple, and also work on your individual selves. If you expect marital therapy to solve all your marital problems, you will leave the therapy thinking it is not a success and proceed to divorce court. Be grateful for the few things (even only one thing) that you might learn in marital counseling, and practice them in your relationship. A marriage proceeds and improves by tiny, incremental steps. If you make it to the next day, you have the opportunity for further change and improvement in your marriage.
Employ all the resources available. These include books, CDs, web material, and workshops. My favorite books are The Relationship Handbook, by George Pransky, and Taking the War out of Our Words, by Sharon Strand Ellison. Read the books with your spouse over and over again. Learn the techniques. Practice them. Things can and will get better.
Try Marital Mediation. Mediation is a dispute resolution technique that has worked in many business, workplace, and legal contexts. Most people know that “divorce mediation” exists. However, people are beginning to use mediation as a tool for preserving and improving their marriages. Search “Marital Mediation” and “Mediation to Stay Married” on the internet, and find someone in your area willing to work with you and your spouse. Marital Mediation can be very effective. For more information, visit my website www.mediationtostaymarried.com. Marital mediation is good for couples who are envisioning “marriage” rather than “divorce”.
Be patient. Your marital difficulties did not build up in a day. Don’t expect improvement to be immediate. Improving your marriage (and your marriage skills) will take some time. Work on it. Believe it can happen. Do everything you can. It is possible to turn the direction of your marriage. It is pretty much all in your head and within your capabilities.
Let thoughts of a happy, committed marriage be the new bee in your bonnet. You may find that you enjoy the new spousal relationship you and your spouse have forged. And you may be very thankful that you did not throw your marriage away.
As a practicing divorce attorney and divorce mediator, I’ve met a number of couples that, if they had been given some good advice (and had remembered that advice) a few years or even months earlier, they would not be divorcing. The following advice is based on my observations as a divorce attorney, a mediator/conflict resolver, and as an experienced, mature married person.
1. Think before you speak. People in marriages tend to have very “hot” buttons causing frequent arguments. One reason for this is that the boundaries that exist at the workplace or with friends and relatives do not exist in a marriage. Much of marital bickering can be lessened or mitigated if you wait before you respond to something that has made you angry. If you think for even five seconds before you respond, the amount of marital bickering will be greatly reduced. It may be better to discuss the difficult issue on another day when the emotions are not so high. You can broach the topic (at that later time) by saying, “Dear, I have some unfinished business to discuss with you. May we discuss it now?”
2. Don’t give up. If you ask any married person, he or she will tell you that marriages wax and wane. There are good times, bad times, and even middle times. A marriage is viable if the good outweighs the bad, even by a little bit. Appreciate the good and try to let the bad roll off of you like water from a duck. The more you stick to it, the easier it will get and the more fondness and connection you will feel towards your spouse. You will also feel good about yourself, because you worked very hard to achieve something of value.
3. Give your marriage as much (if not more) focused attention than you give your hobbies. People spend huge amounts of time, money and effort on their off-work interests. But when a marriage is making them feel bad, everybody seems to “throw up their arms” and decide that it’s useless to try anymore. Actually, reading books on marriage, conflict resolution, and communication techniques will help your marriage. Getting your spouse to read them is even better, but not necessary, to being able to make huge positive changes in your marriage.
4. Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else. Did you ever hear the expression “familiarity breeds contempt”? This seems to apply in marriages. As a result, the unfortunate truth is that people tend to treat their spouses worse than strangers. An example of this is the all-too-common behavior of treating the spouse (sometimes ever so subtly) with contempt. Who is this person you are married to now? And who was that wonderful, beautiful perfect person you married so many years ago? Believe it or not, it’s the same person. Remember those times and retrain yourself to view your spouse with the utmost respect and treat your spouse accordingly.
5. Have Separate Interests. Make sure you have some private space and give your spouse some too. Marriage entails a lot of togetherness, but just because you’re married, you don’t need to be joined at the hip. Make sure each of you has time away from the other with friends, family, or alone. Enjoy your separate interests. Having separate time and interests will help vitalize the marriage.
6. Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals. In a successful marriage, one spouse is happy for the other spouse’s successes. Good spouses foster the other in achieving their goals. Sometimes goals are scary and need to be carefully evaluated, such as a career change. Do the work together, so that each of you can become satisfied with your own life. Good spouses help each other make the most out of his or her life.
7. Find things you enjoy to do together. A marriage is a partnership. If you both have totally separate interests, you will eventually grow apart. Make time to pursue interests together. These leisure activities and interests will probably change over time. Find shared interests, pursuits, and enjoyment. But remember, you don’t need to share all interests.
8. Don’t think its greener on the other side. Most people who leave their marriages for someone else almost always find the same problems on the other side. Many realize where their first marriage went wrong, and how they (and their spouse) could have worked to fix it. With hindsight, many people regret not having worked things out in their first marriage. Remember, when you get divorced, you now have two problems ? the problems in your marriage (that you did not solve) and the divorce.
9. Give each other a break. Don’t be overcritical of your spouse. Don’t carp all the time. The stark realization that comes after the wedding is that you are not the same person. But that’s not a bad thing. Try to appreciate your differences. Admittedly, this is hard to do, but try. It’s worth it.
10. Don’t sweat the little things. As in the world of work, it is important to have priorities. Spouses get angry when criticized over every little thing. Try to prioritize the important things that you want. Carefully pick your battles. Let the other stuff slide. Don’t be a nag and complain about every little thing. If you don’t like something hold your tongue. Try to roll with the punches.
11. If your spouse loves something (like his/her mother, or football), try find out why, and you’ll find you’ll love it too. Give your spouse credence and respect your spouse’s judgment, interests, affinities, and opinions. If your spouse is drawn to certain people or things, there is probably a good reason. Ask your spouse to explain. It might open up a new world to you.
12. Compliment your spouse every day, at least once. This leads towards a healthy relationship, and it is the right thing to do, because unless your spouse is a total slouch, he or she is doing many good things every day. Thank your spouse for all the wonderful things your spouse does for you and your family. Make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate his or her efforts.
13. Work hard with your spouse to create financial security. One of the beneficial effects of marriage is the creation of a strong economic joint venture. As your financial security builds up, it will be one of the things that allows you to feel good about each other and the world. It will also be a measure of the good work you’ve both done during your marriage. Financial security is a good thing and provides the foundation of a happy life.
14. Be your spouse’s partner. Keep each other informed as to activities you are engaged in, including your work days and what you do at home. The time you spend separately outside in the world every day is very significant. Always talk to each other at the end of the day about how your respective days have been. Respect and show awareness of and curiosity about your spouse’s separate interests.
15. Always assume the best of your spouse. People have misunderstandings and miscommunications. This is true even of people who know each other very well, such as spouses. If you spouse’s actions displease you, wait a bit, and then try to find out the motivation. You might well find that the motivation was meant to be constructive and not negative, and that you may have made the wrong interpretation or assumptions about what had been said or done.
16. Give your spouse a treat occasionally. Spouses have different things that make them feel good. If you know something that your spouse likes, give it to them sometimes even if you don’t care for it. It can be a small thing: a trip to the movies, a ride to a place your spouse likes to go, or maybe a favorite food bought from the grocery store. Be generous to your spouse, even if it is not in your nature.
17. Don’t fight with your spouse about the kids. Disagreements about children can be very corrosive to a marriage. Have your discussions off-line so that your children do not know you disagree. Get professional help if needed as to how to coordinate and respect your different views. Don’t let your disagreements about your children destroy your marriage.
18. Don’t complain about your spouse to your friends and family. One complaint at a low time in your marriage will resonate with the listener long after the problem or the short-lived spat was resolved. Your family and friends will always see your spouse in the same bad light in which you saw your spouse during this period of conflict. If you need to talk with someone about your marriage, choose an independent professional.
19. Be faithful and do not have an affair. A couple that is unattractive (physically or otherwise) is actually really lucky in a marriage because outside forces will not be as strong. However, if you or your spouse is unlucky enough to be attractive, don’t take the bait. It never works out. If you can’t resist having an affair, end your marriage first. When you actually think about it, you’ll probably find that you can’t end your marriage and things will have gotten better.
20. Find ways to enrich your lives. Learn and do new things together. In good marriages the spouses are always changing, growing, and developing new interests. Make sure that some of these changes and new interests are shared jointly, so that you can spend good time together developing as people.
21. Spend time together with mutual friends. Outside friendships pursued by the couple jointly are very good for marital health. The outside friends can be single people, or other couples. It does not matter. The important part is that you and your spouse share these friendships together.
22. Forgive each other. If you hold grudges, you’ll never get anywhere in marriage. Every spouse (even you!) makes mistakes and treats the other poorly at time. You must be able to forgive your spouse for the wrongs done to you and move on. Remember that the next time it may be you who needs to be forgiven. Marriage is very long. There are bound to be many bad things to happen between you. Do not hold onto these things. Forgive and move on.
23. Appreciate each other’s contributions to the marital venture. Marriages often fail because of perceived differences in the level of contribution of each party. Try to appreciate the other person’s contributions, whether financial or keeping the household together. Try not to impose your standards of how things should be accomplished on your spouse. Be appreciative of your spouse’s efforts at all times.
24. Be secure in the fact that marriage is forever. Marriage is a safe container for people to work out all their personal issues. Because it does not end (except by death), a person can have the security that any mistakes, personality flaws, misspoken words, can be forgiven. There is something about the alchemy of two people with a “forever” commitment that helps people find peace and satisfaction in life.
25. Don’t think that marriage is easy. One of the little-known but most important paradoxes about marriage is that it is an incubator for self-growth and self-awareness. This is a surprise to many, because marriage is supposed to be about the other person, or about the couple, or about “love”. Take advantage of your chance to perfect your awareness and ability to enjoy life and relate well to other people. A good marriage will have this effect, and redound to your ability to function well in the world and live at your highest practical and spiritual level. Marriage is not easy. But it’s worth it.
If you do all these things, and if, before you break up, you wait at least as long as you have been already married for roughs spots to work themselves out, you will have a long, happy marriage.
Intrigued by the title of the workshop and feeling that I needed to work on my skills in managing effective communication, I came to the Toronto IACP conference early to take the all-day Pre-Forum workshop on “Powerful Non-Defensive Communication” (“PNDC”), presented by Sharon Strand Ellison. The workshop was packed with enthusiastic collaborative practitioners who, like me, were highly motivated to work on “Taking the War Out of Our Words”, as Ellison puts it in the title of her book.
Power Struggle as a Global Problem.
Ellison’s premise is that power struggle is the most pervasive and least-recognized addiction in the world. When there are conflicting views, we immediately have a negative reaction to the person who disagrees with us. We are likely to jump to the conclusion that the person is not intelligent, or intentionally mean, hurtful, destructive or rude. When a follow-up fact-finding question is asked in an open, honest, neutral and inviting manner, the other person becomes non-defensive and, as Ellison puts it, is “dis-armed”. The response to the powerful non-defensive (PND) question is often transformative and amazing. In her workshop, Ellison gives many compelling and powerful instances of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC) exchanges.
For instance, if you ask a person “Is that how you peel potatoes?”, the person will become immediately defensive and upset, even though there is no potato in the person’s hands. The reason for this is that the question engages the person’s “limbic brain”, which is hard-wired for the defensive fight or flight response. The way in which a question is asked (for instance, the tone of voice, the choice of words) can instantly engage the “limbic brain”, completely skipping over the person’s “thinking brain”.
Ellison points out how strongly the engagement of the limbic brain impairs our work in divorce, particularly in having effective team/client meetings and productive interchanges between the divorcing couple. As Ellison says, if people can shut down and become defensive in a nanosecond, openness to listening to and understanding others and mutual connection and problem-solving work is impeded. Once the limbic alarm system is set off, it stays active for 20 minutes to an hour, further worsening the problem. This can very quickly destroy the effectiveness of a multi-party collaborative meeting with divorcing clients and the collaborative team. Ellison asks, “How can there be peace in the world, if people can get defensive in a nanosecond?”
The Powerful Non-Defensive Question
At the core of PNDC is the PND question. In Ellison’s workshop, we worked on listening to, and practicing the tone of voice needed to ask a question innocently (even “musingly”, as Ellison puts it), to make sure the other person’s limbic alarm system is not triggered. Ellison asks PND questions to elicit non-defensive responses, instead of arguing with a person or trying to convince the person to agree with her.
Although Ellison’s premise as to how to address power struggle and defensiveness may seem simple, implementing the highly transformative PNDC techniques is quite challenging to master. Putting into effect PNDC at the moment of a verbal interchange by formulating a PND question is difficult. Emotions get the better of us and our speech becomes reactive. With lots of practice, however, it can become part of our arsenal (excuse the word — perhaps toolbox would be better?) of social interchange skills for us to use in our collaborative practices and elsewhere in our daily lives.
For instance, you can ask a person to explain what he or she meant before you react to it. You can do this by asking a question by starting “What do you mean by …” Often you will be surprised at the new information you get, or how your assumptions as to what the other person meant were incorrect. Ellison teaches us to stay in a state of inquiry, and try not to fill information in with our own assumptions.
An effective method used in PNDC is asking a person directly about his/her intentions. When a person says something that seems negative or insulting, we tend to avoid asking the person directly. By asking, you may find out that the intention was not negative as you previously thought. Perhaps the intent was totally different, and the statement was not meant as an attack or criticism. Or, you might find just the opposite: the person did mean to attack and was being critical or negative. With either result, you have increased your understanding and the mutual exchange can be transformative when done in an open, honest, curious, non-defensive way.
Ellison teaches us to be aware of many types of communication problems. These include stating opinion as fact, identifying tones of voice and facial expressions that indicate covert messages (which can be decoded with proper PND questions), accepting your own assumptions without questioning them, and trying to convince someone of something (it’s almost never successful and always causes defensiveness).
PNDC and “Active Listening”
Ellison also had some interesting comments on the use of “active listening” in mediation and Collaborative Practice. This is the technique of repeating or rephrasing something said by the speaker, so that they know you are empathetic and they know that you have understood them. She believes that this technique often projects a false and shallow veneer of understanding, especially when you disagree with what is said, that greatly reduces its effectiveness. Ellison suggests that the language the active listener uses should not be merely a repetition or a paraphrase, but should go further in defining and understanding the various components of what the speaker said. Asking multiple active listening questions aimed at the various elements and specific words in the statement that is being actively listened to can be very powerful. When the statement is broken down like this, the speaker has a chance to respond and rearticulate what was said in its many aspects and in all its ramifications in the fullest manner possible. This gives a more accurate expression to the complexity of human life and subtlety of thought and emotion. It increases understanding and furthers mutual respect.
The Powerful Non-Defensive Statement
Another feature of PNDC is the use of the non-defensive statement. When we speak truthfully and openly, without fear and without hiding, our vulnerability can strengthen the statement and elicit a positive response. When we are guarded and hide information, our ability to resolve problems and work creatively with each other is impeded. As a result, when we are vulnerable and direct at the same time, we actually become more effective. When we state our own reactions to what another is saying in a neutral, sincere, honest way, defensiveness is eliminated, clarity can be achieved, and progress can follow. This aspect of PNDC may be difficult for attorney-Collaborative Practitioners to absorb, because in our legal training we learn that it is dangerous for our clients to put “everything on the table”.
Conclusion
Ellison’s teachings seem simple, but putting them into practice takes much attention and training. Learning how to formulate PND questions “on your feet” during interchanges requires a lot of work. I have been reading and re-reading Ellison’s book, and I am working to get better at PNDC skills in my law practice, my collaborative practice, and at home. I think incorporating PNDC into my life will be a very worthwhile undertaking.
Getting the book:
“Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication”, by Sharon Strand Ellison, Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, Inc. (Third ed. 2007), $16.95. Available through Sharon’s website www.pndc.com, and through www.amazon.com. A set of 12 CDs of Sharon Ellison reading her book is available through www.pndc.com This is an excellent way to learn her techniques and how to formulate non-defensive questions. You can practice asking PND questions in the proper non-accusatory but curious tone of voice in the privacy of your car during your morning commute.
The American Law Institute (ALI) in its Principles of the Law of Family Dissolution (2002) has written standards applicable to postnuptial agreements, i.e., agreements made during a marriage where divorce is not imminent. These principles have been incorporated (or rejected) in many state-court decisions dealing with the enforcement of postnuptial agreements.
What is a “marital agreement”. ALI terms these agreements “marital agreements” to distinguish them from “prenuptial agreements” (agreements made before a marriage) and “separation agreements” or “divorce agreements”, i.e., those that come into effect at the end of a marriage. (All cites herein refer to ALI “Principles of the Law Of Family Dissolution”, 2002 edition.)
A ‘”marital agreement” is defined “an agreement between spouses who plan to continue their marriage that alters or confirms the legal rights and obligations that would otherwise arise under these Principles or other law governing marital dissolution. § 7.01(1)(b). The ALI applies “marital agreements” by analogy to agreements between domestic partners or prospective domestic partners. § 7.01(2)(c) and (3).
Under ALI, Marital agreements have same standards as prenuptial agreements. The ALI takes the position that the principles applicable to marital and premarital agreements are the same and suggests, as some States have done, applying substantially the same standards for enforceability of both types of agreements. § 7.01 and Reporter’s Notes to comment e, citing Reese v. Reese, 984 P.2d 987 (Utah 1999). Some courts, such as the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court have held that the higher standards of equity applicable to separation agreements are applicable to marital agreements. See Ansin v. Craven-Ansin, SJC-10548 (July 16, 2010).
Protections against inherent duress provided by shifting burdens and other provisions. The ALI provides that a marital agreement is presumed that it was not made under duress if parties were advised to obtain independent legal counsel, and had reasonable opportunity to do so before the agreement’s execution. § 7.04. This presumption is rebuttable, but it would be difficult to do so, especially if the parties actually did engage separate counsel and consulted with their own attorneys.
A comment to § 7.01 states that there are opportunities for “hard dealing” with respect to marital agreements that “may be greater” than with premarital agreements. § 7.01 comment e.
The ALI therefore provides protection for contracting spouses to a marital agreement. One of these is that in marital agreements, there is a burden on the party that is trying to enforce the agreement to prove it a party’s consent was informed and not obtained under duress. §7.04(2) This shifting of burden permits a court charged with making the decision as to whether to enforce a marital agreement to exercise a “heightened scrutiny” in looking at bargaining process leading to negotiation of the terms of the agreements so there is a higher standard than the bargaining process applicable to commercial contracts, See comment b to §7.04(2).
A marital agreement is rebuttably presumed to be free from duress and the product of informed consent if both parties were advised to obtain separate legal counsel and had reasonable opportunity to do so before execution of the agreement, or if not the agreement is very clear and in plain language for someone with no legal training and it shows the rights altered by the contract and the nature of the alteration. § 7.04(3) (b)(c) and § 7.04(4)(a). Very importantly, the ALI states that a marital agreement is unenforceable if a party rescinds it by a writing delivered to the other party within 30 days of its execution. § 7.04(4)(b).
Consideration to the contract. Surprisingly, the ALI states that consideration is not required to create enforceable marital (or premarital) agreement. § 7.01 (4). See also comment (c).
Full disclosure required. In order to be enforceable, the parties to a marriage agreement must make full disclosure of assets, income, and also assets or entitlements that a party reasonably expects to realize in the near future. § 7.04(5). The disclosure need not be exact, but must approximate the value of the assets.
The ALI specifies that the spouse that the general standards of disclosure above are “always satisfied” by showing written disclosure of assets, and annual income for “each of the preceding three years” and any significant future acquisitions or changes in income that the party “reasonably expects to realize within three years of the agreement’s execution.” Evidence that contesting spouse has knowledge of all other spouse’s assets independent of any written disclosures will satisfy requirement of disclosure. § 7.04(5) comment g.
“Circuit-breaker” protections if there is “substantial injustice”. There is a “stop gap” provision in the ALI which states that an agreement should not be enforced if it would “work a substantial injustice”. § 7.05. One of the factors listed is if there has been a change in circumstance between the time when the agreement was executed that has a substantial impact on the parties or their children, and the change or the impact was not anticipated. § 7.05(2)(c)
A court will take into account whether the purpose of the agreement was to benefit or protect the interests of third parties (such as the children from a prior relationship) and “the impact of the agreement’s enforcement upon the children of the parties.” § 7.05(3)(a), (c), (d). Other factors may include the length of the marriage, the motives of the contracting spouses, their respective bargaining positions, the circumstances giving rise to the marital agreement, the degree of the pressure, if any, experienced by the contesting spouse, and other circumstances the judge finds relevant.
Finally, a term in a marital agreement may not be enforceable if it would require or forbid a court to evaluate marital conduct in allocating marital property, except as incorporated by state law.
Learn more about postnuptial agreements.
In choosing a marital mediator, the background and experience of a mediator, the geographical location, the mediator’s hourly rate, and the experience of the marital mediator are all important considerations. There is also the intangible personal “fit” between mediator and the clients which promotes a successful marital mediation. The compatibility of styles, values, and personality of the clients and the mediator will be evident in the first marital mediation session.
Discuss the use of outside reviewing counsel with your marital mediator. Mediators are permitted to provide legal information, but cannot (even if they are attorneys) provide legal advice to their mediation clients. If a postnuptial agreement is being formulated in the context of the marital mediation, and if it is one that affects marital (or inheritance) rights, it is very important to have outside counsel to advise each of the spouses separately.
Marital mediation relies on full disclosure and good faith. If a written agreement results, there must be transparency and fair dealing in its formulation. If one party is in marital mediation to gain advantage over the other in a divorce, the marital mediation won’t be successful, and the written agreement resulting from it will not be enforceable.
Like marital counseling, martial mediation is confidential. The mediator is not permitted to reveal any matters discussed in the mediation.
To choose a marital mediator, look at the mediator’s website and ask questions. See what mix of work the mediator does. If you have “legal” issues that may require in-depth analysis and property agreements, you might choose a lawyer/mediator. If your conflict is more interpersonal, including infidelity and family issues, you may choose a marital mediation with a mental health background. Neither of these are fixed rules. Lawyer mediators are often excellent at helping with interpersonal conflict problems, and martial mediators from other backgrounds are often good at resolving and analyzing financial issues.
Get the outside help you need. This may be a consult with an estate planning lawyer, an individual therapist, or a child specialist. Don’t think that marital counseling and marital mediation are mutually exclusive. Many couples in marital mediation are also meeting with a couples counselor at the same time. Marriage is valuable. Put all the resources you can at your service.
Don’t expect marital mediation to solve all your problems. But remember — if one nasty, intractable problem that causes conflict and bad feelings is resolved or lessened through marital mediation, your entire marriage might begin to change. Good feelings can begin to be present again. Things can rapidly to change for the better with tiny, incremental, positive changes between spouses.
Many people ask the question, “How is a marital mediation different from a marital counseling?” and “Can a marital mediator help us if we were unable to be helped by marital therapy?” Yes, there is a distinct difference between marital counseling (or marriage therapy) and marital mediation.
Marital counseling is performed by a range of professionals, mostly with training and background in mental health areas, such as social work and psychology. Marital counseling generally incorporates diagnosis, therapy and treatment of personality and relationship problems. The types of information gathered and used by a marital counselor might include family history, and personal and sexual history. Marital counselors are able to identify neurotic behavior and symptoms of mental disorder and illness, and can use that data in the counseling. A marital counselor will aim to use analytic skills to provide context for parties and help them understand their behaviors, thereby alleviating marital conflict.
The approach of marital mediation is different. Mediation is dispute resolution. Marriages are filled with disputes, big and small. When a couple has an unproductive manner of arguing and settling differences, the marriage suffers. If this problem is intractable and pervasive, the marriage can fail.
The marital mediator works with a couple to help them resolve ongoing specific disputes and negative recurring interactions. The emphasis is on analyzing the communication of the couple and training them to have more productive styles of negotiation. A marital mediator uses standard mediation techniques to break through communication impasses.
In addition, the marital mediator can work with specific financial issues in a very direct way, such as business issues, and financial planning issues that need to be resolved. This is because most marital mediators are divorce mediators, who are experienced in financial issues. Also, with the divorce mediator background, the marital mediator can give a disputing couple an education on what divorce (under the facts of their relationship) would look like. A third benefit is that a marital mediator (who is a divorce mediator) can do a type of reverse engineering, and quickly identify patterns that, if not corrected, will lead to divorce.
Marital mediation is goal and task oriented, time limited and practical. Often marital mediation is conducted at the same time a couple goes to couples counseling. These approaches can work very well together. Marital mediation is also helpful if one or the other of a couple is resistant to seeing a therapist. Some couples prefer to work with marriage counselors; some prefer to work with marital mediators; and some with both.
Sometimes marital mediation is successful for couples who have “failed” marriage counseling. (The opposite is also true at times.) The important point is that there are resources available for people that wish to pursue and improve their marriages that can be very effective for people.
