Don’t Take Your Spouse for Granted

Mark Suster is a well-known technology blogger, entrepreneur, and venture capitalist. On the occasion of his wedding anniversal, he departed from his usual tech startup advice to talk about his marriage.mark-suster

When I was in my early 20′s I was fortunate enough to live in a small house in Manhattan Beach, CA with a beautiful ocean view. Having been born in Philly and having been raised in landlocked Sacramento, CA it was truly an amazing thing to literally hear the ocean waves crash every night from my bedroom as I went to sleep and to see the ocean view every morning as I got ready for work.

For weeks or months I gazed at the ocean at every opportunity I could. ”Pinch me – is this my life?” But slowly, strangely and without notice I stopped looking quite as much. I’d love to say that I always appreciated the majesty of the ocean and the sunsets every night. I didn’t. Eventually the ocean view just became life and life was filled with work, stress, bills, cooking dinner, watching football, suffering hangovers, talking on the phone, whatever. The ocean had just become a picture on the wall that I occasionally glanced at. I wish I could say otherwise…

I don’t take my wife for granted at all. Whenever I come home from a day of 8 meetings plus an evening speaking event I always instantly feel serene and I always thank her for that. I am fortunate to come home to my understanding wife who knows what it is that modern workers go through. And I know that I’m not the easiest person in the world: I have strong opinions, I’m self righteous, I’m stubborn and I’m less organized at home than I could be. I’m grateful that I have a true friend & partner who loves me for who I am rather than for my potential.

Read the whole article.

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Functional and Dysfunctional Marriage

I always cry at weddings. It’s not because I think the wedding is so beautiful or the newlyweds are so adorable. It’s because I know (and they don’t) how difficult marriage will be for them. You will see tears on the faces of everyone over a certain age at a wedding, especially those that are or have been married. The truth about marriage is that marriage is difficult for everyone. But the higher truth is that, even though marriage is difficult, it is worth it.

Many of the people that walk into my divorce law firm asking for my services are men or women, recently married, in their 20s or early 30s. They have completed the honeymoon period of 18 months to 2 years, and find that marriage is not at all what they expected it to be. They were surprised and deeply shocked at how quickly the love (and lust) at the beginning turned into rage and disgust.

They did not go to the next stage of their marriage — the stage of communication, cooperation, and learning about the real person with whom they fell in love. There is probably not much that can be done at that point, when the feelings have turned 180 degrees around and the participants of the marriage (or one of them) has a fixed mind-set that the marriage must end.

But it is actually at that point — when a couple experiences the first signs of disagreement, faulty communications, mistrust, repulsion and lack of respect — when the real work of “marriage” can begin. It’s interesting and valuable work. A couple will eventually find that the work on a marriage not only sustains the marriage and helps it deepen, but also promotes personal growth. Marriage and the work it involves is always worth it. And it can even be fun!

A long marriage invariably has its ups and downs, but over time a married couple builds a history of life together and gathers shared memories that strengthen their marriage. As important, each spouse provides one another with the moral and economic support to enhance their mutual and separate lives. A good marriage is a living process that breeds contentment. It is something precious and attainable by many more people than the current fifty percent divorce rate would indicate.

So what can you do when the first thunderclouds hit?

Well, the most obvious thing (and the thing most people don’t think about!) is to do something about it. I am always totally floored by how people spend more time with their hobbies or watching TV than improving their skills in marriage. Even a little time spent learning how to have a better marriage will be worth it. And yes — marriage is a totally, learnable skill.

Couples can try marital therapists, and if they do not progress with one therapist, try another. There are also many books, CDs, courses and internet material available on how to improve marriage. A couple can look at these materials, choose some, and try to apply them. Experimenting with these techniques on each other can be fun! You can also see a mediator, not for divorce, but to try to help you with conflict resolution techniques that will help your marriage. I call this “Mediation to Stay Married”.

It’s best if both spouses work together on this, but if you have a resistant spouse, then read the books (or go to the therapist) yourself, and practice the techniques and insights on your spouse. (When you do this, your spouse might say, with a chuckle, “Are you practicing on me?”) Try anything you can to break bad patterns at the beginning of the marriage when they arise. Otherwise these bad habits can become entrenched and can doom the marriage to unhappiness and discontent.

I find two books especially helpful for married couples. They are The Relationship Handbook by George Pransky, and Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Strand Ellison. I re-read these books often and give them to my clients.

Pransky’s book is short, well organized, and can be read (by the two of you) chapter by chapter. An example is the chapter entitled “It’s Never Too Late to Get A Fresh Start”. Doesn’t’ that sound good? After reading it, you (and your spouse) will believe it and you will be able to begin anew and overcome discouragement and the “tapes” in your head that says the marriage is no good.

Sharon Strand Ellison’s book requires close reading and lots of practice, but it’s worth it. She posits that “power struggle” is at the root of all imbalances in relationships, and has devised a program called “Powerful Non-Defensive Communication”. It is based on eliminating communication problems by learning to ask questions that won’t lead to a defensive response. A great deal of surprising material is uncovered by asking questions in this way, and great progress can be made toward eliminating arguments and improving mutual understanding of each other.

Both the Pransky and the Ellison books can be purchased on the internet. Buy the books, read them, study them, apply them, and experiment with them on your spouse. These techniques really work and may lead you toward a happy marriage. And, you will find an extra benefit. Learning how to improve the dynamics of your marriage will improve your functioning with others everywhere — at your job, with your family and with your friends.

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How to Succeed in Marriage

As a divorce lawyer and mediator, my job is to sort through the wreckage of a marriage to help clients find a post-marriage equilibrium of safety, fairness, and a modicum of peace. I read the signs of the breakdown like reading tea-leaves. The clues are everywhere. The patterns I see repeat themselves over and over again.

The History of a Breakup

Here is a typical pattern: Two people get together. They love each other. They are, in fact, “in love”. They then get married and perhaps have children. The children occupy their attention greatly. The husband (usually) spends great time and effort in the workplace trying to earn enough money to support the family to provide a good and secure lifestyle. The wife (usually) has a less demanding schedule, but pours her part of her effort into creating a home and raising the children.

The wife begins to feel that the husband’s work is more important than her. The husband begins to feel that the wife cares about the children more than she cares about him. They spend little time alone together. They each feel abandoned by the other. Their relationship starts to suffer. They find themselves feeling alone, feeling badly used, and angry at the other partner.

Several years later … at this point, they are almost not talking to each other. Their feelings of love have turned to feelings of hatred and contempt. Many angry interchanges (some in front of the children) have occurred.

They are each ruminating about the possibility of divorce many times during each day. If you counted the times, it would probably exceed 200 each. Thoughts of divorce are obsessing them, much like the proverbial bee in the bonnet.

Why Marriage Counseling “Didn’t Work”

There were a number of reasons that this couple saw “no results” after four sessions with the marital counselor.

The couple thought results should happen in four sessions after many years of a poor marital partnership. Their full and complete effort was stymied by their obsessive thoughts. They were simply unable to let go of their private mental thoughts contemplating divorce. The couple was unable to appreciate perhaps the one single kernel of useful advice that could have turned around their marriage. They expected the marital counseling to solve everything. They could not let go of the common (really universal) idea that the problem was in the other spouse. This means, that in their view, they could “do better” with another future partner. (This is statistically not the case!)

Our hypothetical couple quits marital therapy. They each see a divorce lawyer (or jointly see a divorce mediator) to execute their divorce and destroy their marriage once and for all. The divorce lawyer or mediator does what he/she was hired to do. The marriage is ended. They go on to a highly restricted financial life, hope that their children are not too badly harmed, find another partner, and start all over again. Years later they admit that if they knew back then what they knew now, they’d have known that the first marriage was not fatally flawed. They realize that they could have worked on the first marriage, and it could have succeeded! But back then, they were young and callow, and they simply just didn’t know the skills involved for having a successful marriage.

How to Succeed in Marriage

Marriage is a very complicated art. If you ask anyone who has been married for a long time, you’ll get the response that marriage is one of the hardest things in the world. It is a learned skill. It takes patience, care, determination, forgiveness, and humility. It is as difficult as learning how to be a nuclear physicist or playing the violin. A successful marriage takes many hours and years of deliberate practice. People in long-term marriages have become expert at doing it. Although this may sound rather grim, there is a wonderful feeling between long-term spouses, and a rich shared history that can only come with the passage of time and navigating life’s many setbacks and experiences together.

So what do you newlyweds (and not so newlyweds) need to do?

Don’t let thoughts of divorce overcome you. They become an obsession which will not let you deal with the present – your marriage, your spouse, and your life together. Divorce may come, but don’t speed it up by these thoughts. Remove that bonnet with all its bees! If a thought of divorce comes into your mind, banish it. It is merely a thought, a mental fantasy. It is not something in the present. It is a made-up future.

See that the glass is half full, not half empty. Marriage is all about visualization. Appreciate the good things that come in the relationship; try to let the bad things roll off you.

Get into individual therapy. In many troubled marriages one or the other partner has emotional difficulties. Work on them. Psychological work can really produce results. Find a therapist you feel understands you and can provide helpful feedback. Find a new therapist if this is not happening for you. But remember, the therapy is there for you to gain insight and find a solution for your own problems. Also remember that therapy won’t solve all your problems. If you learn one or two things in therapy, these can be enough to move yourself from a place of stress and unhappiness. Therapy is helpful, but not a cure-all for everything.

Don’t blame the other spouse. Many spouses in a marriage in trouble overuse the blaming game. You can’t control or change your spouse’s behavior except to a very minor degree. That’s just the way things are. Accept it. Take responsibility for your own life. Own your own destiny to create your personal happiness, contentment and fulfillment. Marriage is not supposed to provide this mutual satisfaction. It is your self-actualization into fulfillment of your own separate lives that will produce the best marriage with another like-minded person, your spouse.

Use marital therapy as a resource. Seeing a marital counselor together can provide a warring couple with useful tools. Again, do not expect the marital therapy to solve all the flaws in your marriage. This is work you need to do as a couple, and also work on your individual selves. If you expect marital therapy to solve all your marital problems, you will leave the therapy thinking it is not a success and proceed to divorce court. Be grateful for the few things (even only one thing) that you might learn in marital counseling, and practice them in your relationship. A marriage proceeds and improves by tiny, incremental steps. If you make it to the next day, you have the opportunity for further change and improvement in your marriage.

Employ all the resources available. These include books, CDs, web material, and workshops. My favorite books are The Relationship Handbook, by George Pransky, and Taking the War out of Our Words, by Sharon Strand Ellison. Read the books with your spouse over and over again. Learn the techniques. Practice them. Things can and will get better.

Try Marital Mediation. Mediation is a dispute resolution technique that has worked in many business, workplace, and legal contexts. Most people know that “divorce mediation” exists. However, people are beginning to use mediation as a tool for preserving and improving their marriages. Search “Marital Mediation” and “Mediation to Stay Married” on the internet, and find someone in your area willing to work with you and your spouse. Marital Mediation can be very effective. For more information, visit my website www.mediationtostaymarried.com. Marital mediation is good for couples who are envisioning “marriage” rather than “divorce”.

Be patient. Your marital difficulties did not build up in a day. Don’t expect improvement to be immediate. Improving your marriage (and your marriage skills) will take some time. Work on it. Believe it can happen. Do everything you can. It is possible to turn the direction of your marriage. It is pretty much all in your head and within your capabilities.

Let thoughts of a happy, committed marriage be the new bee in your bonnet. You may find that you enjoy the new spousal relationship you and your spouse have forged. And you may be very thankful that you did not throw your marriage away.

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Practical advice for your marriage from a divorce attorney

As a practicing divorce attorney and divorce mediator, I’ve met a number of couples that, if they had been given some good advice (and had remembered that advice) a few years or even months earlier, they would not be divorcing. The following advice is based on my observations as a divorce attorney, a mediator/conflict resolver, and as an experienced, mature married person.

1. Think before you speak. People in marriages tend to have very “hot” buttons causing frequent arguments. One reason for this is that the boundaries that exist at the workplace or with friends and relatives do not exist in a marriage. Much of marital bickering can be lessened or mitigated if you wait before you respond to something that has made you angry. If you think for even five seconds before you respond, the amount of marital bickering will be greatly reduced. It may be better to discuss the difficult issue on another day when the emotions are not so high. You can broach the topic (at that later time) by saying, “Dear, I have some unfinished business to discuss with you. May we discuss it now?”

2. Don’t give up. If you ask any married person, he or she will tell you that marriages wax and wane. There are good times, bad times, and even middle times. A marriage is viable if the good outweighs the bad, even by a little bit. Appreciate the good and try to let the bad roll off of you like water from a duck. The more you stick to it, the easier it will get and the more fondness and connection you will feel towards your spouse. You will also feel good about yourself, because you worked very hard to achieve something of value.

3. Give your marriage as much (if not more) focused attention than you give your hobbies. People spend huge amounts of time, money and effort on their off-work interests. But when a marriage is making them feel bad, everybody seems to “throw up their arms” and decide that it’s useless to try anymore. Actually, reading books on marriage, conflict resolution, and communication techniques will help your marriage. Getting your spouse to read them is even better, but not necessary, to being able to make huge positive changes in your marriage.

4. Treat your spouse better than you treat anyone else. Did you ever hear the expression “familiarity breeds contempt”? This seems to apply in marriages. As a result, the unfortunate truth is that people tend to treat their spouses worse than strangers. An example of this is the all-too-common behavior of treating the spouse (sometimes ever so subtly) with contempt. Who is this person you are married to now? And who was that wonderful, beautiful perfect person you married so many years ago? Believe it or not, it’s the same person. Remember those times and retrain yourself to view your spouse with the utmost respect and treat your spouse accordingly.

5. Have Separate Interests. Make sure you have some private space and give your spouse some too. Marriage entails a lot of togetherness, but just because you’re married, you don’t need to be joined at the hip. Make sure each of you has time away from the other with friends, family, or alone. Enjoy your separate interests. Having separate time and interests will help vitalize the marriage.

6. Foster and encourage your spouse’s dreams and goals. In a successful marriage, one spouse is happy for the other spouse’s successes. Good spouses foster the other in achieving their goals. Sometimes goals are scary and need to be carefully evaluated, such as a career change. Do the work together, so that each of you can become satisfied with your own life. Good spouses help each other make the most out of his or her life.

7. Find things you enjoy to do together. A marriage is a partnership. If you both have totally separate interests, you will eventually grow apart. Make time to pursue interests together. These leisure activities and interests will probably change over time. Find shared interests, pursuits, and enjoyment. But remember, you don’t need to share all interests.

8. Don’t think its greener on the other side. Most people who leave their marriages for someone else almost always find the same problems on the other side. Many realize where their first marriage went wrong, and how they (and their spouse) could have worked to fix it. With hindsight, many people regret not having worked things out in their first marriage. Remember, when you get divorced, you now have two problems ? the problems in your marriage (that you did not solve) and the divorce.

9. Give each other a break. Don’t be overcritical of your spouse. Don’t carp all the time. The stark realization that comes after the wedding is that you are not the same person. But that’s not a bad thing. Try to appreciate your differences. Admittedly, this is hard to do, but try. It’s worth it.

10. Don’t sweat the little things. As in the world of work, it is important to have priorities. Spouses get angry when criticized over every little thing. Try to prioritize the important things that you want. Carefully pick your battles. Let the other stuff slide. Don’t be a nag and complain about every little thing. If you don’t like something hold your tongue. Try to roll with the punches.

11. If your spouse loves something (like his/her mother, or football), try find out why, and you’ll find you’ll love it too. Give your spouse credence and respect your spouse’s judgment, interests, affinities, and opinions. If your spouse is drawn to certain people or things, there is probably a good reason. Ask your spouse to explain. It might open up a new world to you.

12. Compliment your spouse every day, at least once. This leads towards a healthy relationship, and it is the right thing to do, because unless your spouse is a total slouch, he or she is doing many good things every day. Thank your spouse for all the wonderful things your spouse does for you and your family. Make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate his or her efforts.

13. Work hard with your spouse to create financial security. One of the beneficial effects of marriage is the creation of a strong economic joint venture. As your financial security builds up, it will be one of the things that allows you to feel good about each other and the world. It will also be a measure of the good work you’ve both done during your marriage. Financial security is a good thing and provides the foundation of a happy life.

14. Be your spouse’s partner. Keep each other informed as to activities you are engaged in, including your work days and what you do at home. The time you spend separately outside in the world every day is very significant. Always talk to each other at the end of the day about how your respective days have been. Respect and show awareness of and curiosity about your spouse’s separate interests.

15. Always assume the best of your spouse. People have misunderstandings and miscommunications. This is true even of people who know each other very well, such as spouses. If you spouse’s actions displease you, wait a bit, and then try to find out the motivation. You might well find that the motivation was meant to be constructive and not negative, and that you may have made the wrong interpretation or assumptions about what had been said or done.

16. Give your spouse a treat occasionally. Spouses have different things that make them feel good. If you know something that your spouse likes, give it to them sometimes even if you don’t care for it. It can be a small thing: a trip to the movies, a ride to a place your spouse likes to go, or maybe a favorite food bought from the grocery store. Be generous to your spouse, even if it is not in your nature.

17. Don’t fight with your spouse about the kids. Disagreements about children can be very corrosive to a marriage. Have your discussions off-line so that your children do not know you disagree. Get professional help if needed as to how to coordinate and respect your different views. Don’t let your disagreements about your children destroy your marriage.

18. Don’t complain about your spouse to your friends and family. One complaint at a low time in your marriage will resonate with the listener long after the problem or the short-lived spat was resolved. Your family and friends will always see your spouse in the same bad light in which you saw your spouse during this period of conflict. If you need to talk with someone about your marriage, choose an independent professional.

19. Be faithful and do not have an affair. A couple that is unattractive (physically or otherwise) is actually really lucky in a marriage because outside forces will not be as strong. However, if you or your spouse is unlucky enough to be attractive, don’t take the bait. It never works out. If you can’t resist having an affair, end your marriage first. When you actually think about it, you’ll probably find that you can’t end your marriage and things will have gotten better.

20. Find ways to enrich your lives. Learn and do new things together. In good marriages the spouses are always changing, growing, and developing new interests. Make sure that some of these changes and new interests are shared jointly, so that you can spend good time together developing as people.

21. Spend time together with mutual friends. Outside friendships pursued by the couple jointly are very good for marital health. The outside friends can be single people, or other couples. It does not matter. The important part is that you and your spouse share these friendships together.

22. Forgive each other. If you hold grudges, you’ll never get anywhere in marriage. Every spouse (even you!) makes mistakes and treats the other poorly at time. You must be able to forgive your spouse for the wrongs done to you and move on. Remember that the next time it may be you who needs to be forgiven. Marriage is very long. There are bound to be many bad things to happen between you. Do not hold onto these things. Forgive and move on.

23. Appreciate each other’s contributions to the marital venture. Marriages often fail because of perceived differences in the level of contribution of each party. Try to appreciate the other person’s contributions, whether financial or keeping the household together. Try not to impose your standards of how things should be accomplished on your spouse. Be appreciative of your spouse’s efforts at all times.

24. Be secure in the fact that marriage is forever. Marriage is a safe container for people to work out all their personal issues. Because it does not end (except by death), a person can have the security that any mistakes, personality flaws, misspoken words, can be forgiven. There is something about the alchemy of two people with a “forever” commitment that helps people find peace and satisfaction in life.

25. Don’t think that marriage is easy. One of the little-known but most important paradoxes about marriage is that it is an incubator for self-growth and self-awareness. This is a surprise to many, because marriage is supposed to be about the other person, or about the couple, or about “love”. Take advantage of your chance to perfect your awareness and ability to enjoy life and relate well to other people. A good marriage will have this effect, and redound to your ability to function well in the world and live at your highest practical and spiritual level. Marriage is not easy. But it’s worth it.

If you do all these things, and if, before you break up, you wait at least as long as you have been already married for roughs spots to work themselves out, you will have a long, happy marriage.

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The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

Intrigued by the title of the workshop and feeling that I needed to work on my skills in managing effective communication, I came to the Toronto IACP conference early to take the all-day Pre-Forum workshop on “Powerful Non-Defensive Communication” (“PNDC”), presented by Sharon Strand Ellison. The workshop was packed with enthusiastic collaborative practitioners who, like me, were highly motivated to work on “Taking the War Out of Our Words”, as Ellison puts it in the title of her book.

Power Struggle as a Global Problem.

Ellison’s premise is that power struggle is the most pervasive and least-recognized addiction in the world. When there are conflicting views, we immediately have a negative reaction to the person who disagrees with us. We are likely to jump to the conclusion that the person is not intelligent, or intentionally mean, hurtful, destructive or rude. When a follow-up fact-finding question is asked in an open, honest, neutral and inviting manner, the other person becomes non-defensive and, as Ellison puts it, is “dis-armed”. The response to the powerful non-defensive (PND) question is often transformative and amazing. In her workshop, Ellison gives many compelling and powerful instances of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC) exchanges.

For instance, if you ask a person “Is that how you peel potatoes?”, the person will become immediately defensive and upset, even though there is no potato in the person’s hands. The reason for this is that the question engages the person’s “limbic brain”, which is hard-wired for the defensive fight or flight response. The way in which a question is asked (for instance, the tone of voice, the choice of words) can instantly engage the “limbic brain”, completely skipping over the person’s “thinking brain”.

Ellison points out how strongly the engagement of the limbic brain impairs our work in divorce, particularly in having effective team/client meetings and productive interchanges between the divorcing couple. As Ellison says, if people can shut down and become defensive in a nanosecond, openness to listening to and understanding others and mutual connection and problem-solving work is impeded. Once the limbic alarm system is set off, it stays active for 20 minutes to an hour, further worsening the problem. This can very quickly destroy the effectiveness of a multi-party collaborative meeting with divorcing clients and the collaborative team. Ellison asks, “How can there be peace in the world, if people can get defensive in a nanosecond?”

The Powerful Non-Defensive Question

At the core of PNDC is the PND question. In Ellison’s workshop, we worked on listening to, and practicing the tone of voice needed to ask a question innocently (even “musingly”, as Ellison puts it), to make sure the other person’s limbic alarm system is not triggered. Ellison asks PND questions to elicit non-defensive responses, instead of arguing with a person or trying to convince the person to agree with her.

Although Ellison’s premise as to how to address power struggle and defensiveness may seem simple, implementing the highly transformative PNDC techniques is quite challenging to master. Putting into effect PNDC at the moment of a verbal interchange by formulating a PND question is difficult. Emotions get the better of us and our speech becomes reactive. With lots of practice, however, it can become part of our arsenal (excuse the word — perhaps toolbox would be better?) of social interchange skills for us to use in our collaborative practices and elsewhere in our daily lives.

For instance, you can ask a person to explain what he or she meant before you react to it. You can do this by asking a question by starting “What do you mean by …” Often you will be surprised at the new information you get, or how your assumptions as to what the other person meant were incorrect. Ellison teaches us to stay in a state of inquiry, and try not to fill information in with our own assumptions.

An effective method used in PNDC is asking a person directly about his/her intentions. When a person says something that seems negative or insulting, we tend to avoid asking the person directly. By asking, you may find out that the intention was not negative as you previously thought. Perhaps the intent was totally different, and the statement was not meant as an attack or criticism. Or, you might find just the opposite: the person did mean to attack and was being critical or negative. With either result, you have increased your understanding and the mutual exchange can be transformative when done in an open, honest, curious, non-defensive way.

Ellison teaches us to be aware of many types of communication problems. These include stating opinion as fact, identifying tones of voice and facial expressions that indicate covert messages (which can be decoded with proper PND questions), accepting your own assumptions without questioning them, and trying to convince someone of something (it’s almost never successful and always causes defensiveness).

PNDC and “Active Listening”

Ellison also had some interesting comments on the use of “active listening” in mediation and Collaborative Practice. This is the technique of repeating or rephrasing something said by the speaker, so that they know you are empathetic and they know that you have understood them. She believes that this technique often projects a false and shallow veneer of understanding, especially when you disagree with what is said, that greatly reduces its effectiveness. Ellison suggests that the language the active listener uses should not be merely a repetition or a paraphrase, but should go further in defining and understanding the various components of what the speaker said. Asking multiple active listening questions aimed at the various elements and specific words in the statement that is being actively listened to can be very powerful. When the statement is broken down like this, the speaker has a chance to respond and rearticulate what was said in its many aspects and in all its ramifications in the fullest manner possible. This gives a more accurate expression to the complexity of human life and subtlety of thought and emotion. It increases understanding and furthers mutual respect.

The Powerful Non-Defensive Statement

Another feature of PNDC is the use of the non-defensive statement. When we speak truthfully and openly, without fear and without hiding, our vulnerability can strengthen the statement and elicit a positive response. When we are guarded and hide information, our ability to resolve problems and work creatively with each other is impeded. As a result, when we are vulnerable and direct at the same time, we actually become more effective. When we state our own reactions to what another is saying in a neutral, sincere, honest way, defensiveness is eliminated, clarity can be achieved, and progress can follow. This aspect of PNDC may be difficult for attorney-Collaborative Practitioners to absorb, because in our legal training we learn that it is dangerous for our clients to put “everything on the table”.

Conclusion

Ellison’s teachings seem simple, but putting them into practice takes much attention and training. Learning how to formulate PND questions “on your feet” during interchanges requires a lot of work. I have been reading and re-reading Ellison’s book, and I am working to get better at PNDC skills in my law practice, my collaborative practice, and at home. I think incorporating PNDC into my life will be a very worthwhile undertaking.

Getting the book:
“Taking the War Out of Our Words: The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication”, by Sharon Strand Ellison, Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing, Inc. (Third ed. 2007), $16.95. Available through Sharon’s website www.pndc.com, and through www.amazon.com. A set of 12 CDs of Sharon Ellison reading her book is available through www.pndc.com This is an excellent way to learn her techniques and how to formulate non-defensive questions. You can practice asking PND questions in the proper non-accusatory but curious tone of voice in the privacy of your car during your morning commute.

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The American Law Institute (ALI) on postnuptial agreements

The American Law Institute (ALI) in its Principles of the Law of Family Dissolution (2002) has written standards applicable to postnuptial agreements, i.e., agreements made during a marriage where divorce is not imminent. These principles have been incorporated (or rejected) in many state-court decisions dealing with the enforcement of postnuptial agreements.

What is a “marital agreement”. ALI terms these agreements “marital agreements” to distinguish them from “prenuptial agreements” (agreements made before a marriage) and “separation agreements” or “divorce agreements”, i.e., those that come into effect at the end of a marriage. (All cites herein refer to ALI “Principles of the Law Of Family Dissolution”, 2002 edition.)

A ‘”marital agreement” is defined “an agreement between spouses who plan to continue their marriage that alters or confirms the legal rights and obligations that would otherwise arise under these Principles or other law governing marital dissolution. § 7.01(1)(b). The ALI applies “marital agreements” by analogy to agreements between domestic partners or prospective domestic partners. § 7.01(2)(c) and (3).

Under ALI, Marital agreements have same standards as prenuptial agreements. The ALI takes the position that the principles applicable to marital and premarital agreements are the same and suggests, as some States have done, applying substantially the same standards for enforceability of both types of agreements. § 7.01 and Reporter’s Notes to comment e, citing Reese v. Reese, 984 P.2d 987 (Utah 1999). Some courts, such as the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court have held that the higher standards of equity applicable to separation agreements are applicable to marital agreements. See Ansin v. Craven-Ansin, SJC-10548 (July 16, 2010).

Protections against inherent duress provided by shifting burdens and other provisions. The ALI provides that a marital agreement is presumed that it was not made under duress if parties were advised to obtain independent legal counsel, and had reasonable opportunity to do so before the agreement’s execution. § 7.04. This presumption is rebuttable, but it would be difficult to do so, especially if the parties actually did engage separate counsel and consulted with their own attorneys.

A comment to § 7.01 states that there are opportunities for “hard dealing” with respect to marital agreements that “may be greater” than with premarital agreements. § 7.01 comment e.

The ALI therefore provides protection for contracting spouses to a marital agreement. One of these is that in marital agreements, there is a burden on the party that is trying to enforce the agreement to prove it a party’s consent was informed and not obtained under duress. §7.04(2) This shifting of burden permits a court charged with making the decision as to whether to enforce a marital agreement to exercise a “heightened scrutiny” in looking at bargaining process leading to negotiation of the terms of the agreements so there is a higher standard than the bargaining process applicable to commercial contracts, See comment b to §7.04(2).

A marital agreement is rebuttably presumed to be free from duress and the product of informed consent if both parties were advised to obtain separate legal counsel and had reasonable opportunity to do so before execution of the agreement, or if not the agreement is very clear and in plain language for someone with no legal training and it shows the rights altered by the contract and the nature of the alteration. § 7.04(3) (b)(c) and § 7.04(4)(a). Very importantly, the ALI states that a marital agreement is unenforceable if a party rescinds it by a writing delivered to the other party within 30 days of its execution. § 7.04(4)(b).

Consideration to the contract. Surprisingly, the ALI states that consideration is not required to create enforceable marital (or premarital) agreement. § 7.01 (4). See also comment (c).

Full disclosure required. In order to be enforceable, the parties to a marriage agreement must make full disclosure of assets, income, and also assets or entitlements that a party reasonably expects to realize in the near future. § 7.04(5). The disclosure need not be exact, but must approximate the value of the assets.

The ALI specifies that the spouse that the general standards of disclosure above are “always satisfied” by showing written disclosure of assets, and annual income for “each of the preceding three years” and any significant future acquisitions or changes in income that the party “reasonably expects to realize within three years of the agreement’s execution.” Evidence that contesting spouse has knowledge of all other spouse’s assets independent of any written disclosures will satisfy requirement of disclosure. § 7.04(5) comment g.

“Circuit-breaker” protections if there is “substantial injustice”. There is a “stop gap” provision in the ALI which states that an agreement should not be enforced if it would “work a substantial injustice”. § 7.05. One of the factors listed is if there has been a change in circumstance between the time when the agreement was executed that has a substantial impact on the parties or their children, and the change or the impact was not anticipated. § 7.05(2)(c)

A court will take into account whether the purpose of the agreement was to benefit or protect the interests of third parties (such as the children from a prior relationship) and “the impact of the agreement’s enforcement upon the children of the parties.” § 7.05(3)(a), (c), (d). Other factors may include the length of the marriage, the motives of the contracting spouses, their respective bargaining positions, the circumstances giving rise to the marital agreement, the degree of the pressure, if any, experienced by the contesting spouse, and other circumstances the judge finds relevant.

Finally, a term in a marital agreement may not be enforceable if it would require or forbid a court to evaluate marital conduct in allocating marital property, except as incorporated by state law.

Learn more about postnuptial agreements.

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Finding a marital mediator

In choosing a marital mediator, the background and experience of a mediator, the geographical location, the mediator’s hourly rate, and the experience of the marital mediator are all important considerations. There is also the intangible personal “fit” between mediator and the clients which promotes a successful marital mediation. The compatibility of styles, values, and personality of the clients and the mediator will be evident in the first marital mediation session.

Discuss the use of outside reviewing counsel with your marital mediator. Mediators are permitted to provide legal information, but cannot (even if they are attorneys) provide legal advice to their mediation clients. If a postnuptial agreement is being formulated in the context of the marital mediation, and if it is one that affects marital (or inheritance) rights, it is very important to have outside counsel to advise each of the spouses separately.

Marital mediation relies on full disclosure and good faith. If a written agreement results, there must be transparency and fair dealing in its formulation. If one party is in marital mediation to gain advantage over the other in a divorce, the marital mediation won’t be successful, and the written agreement resulting from it will not be enforceable.

Like marital counseling, martial mediation is confidential. The mediator is not permitted to reveal any matters discussed in the mediation.

To choose a marital mediator, look at the mediator’s website and ask questions. See what mix of work the mediator does. If you have “legal” issues that may require in-depth analysis and property agreements, you might choose a lawyer/mediator. If your conflict is more interpersonal, including infidelity and family issues, you may choose a marital mediation with a mental health background. Neither of these are fixed rules. Lawyer mediators are often excellent at helping with interpersonal conflict problems, and martial mediators from other backgrounds are often good at resolving and analyzing financial issues.

Get the outside help you need. This may be a consult with an estate planning lawyer, an individual therapist, or a child specialist. Don’t think that marital counseling and marital mediation are mutually exclusive. Many couples in marital mediation are also meeting with a couples counselor at the same time. Marriage is valuable. Put all the resources you can at your service.

Don’t expect marital mediation to solve all your problems. But remember — if one nasty, intractable problem that causes conflict and bad feelings is resolved or lessened through marital mediation, your entire marriage might begin to change. Good feelings can begin to be present again. Things can rapidly to change for the better with tiny, incremental, positive changes between spouses.

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Marital mediation or marital counseling

Many people ask the question, “How is a marital mediation different from a marital counseling?” and  “Can a marital mediator help us if we were unable to be helped by marital therapy?”  Yes, there is a distinct difference between marital counseling (or marriage therapy) and marital mediation.

Marital counseling is performed by a range of professionals, mostly with training and background in mental health areas, such as social work and psychology.   Marital counseling generally incorporates diagnosis, therapy and treatment of personality and relationship problems.  The types of information gathered and used by a marital counselor might include family history, and personal and sexual history.  Marital counselors are able to identify neurotic behavior and symptoms of mental disorder and illness, and can use that data in the counseling.   A marital counselor will aim to use analytic skills to provide context for parties and help them understand their behaviors, thereby alleviating marital conflict.

The approach of marital mediation is different. Mediation is dispute resolution.  Marriages are filled with disputes, big and small.  When a couple has an unproductive manner of arguing and settling differences, the marriage suffers.  If this problem is intractable and pervasive, the marriage can fail.

The  marital mediator works with a couple to help them resolve ongoing specific disputes and negative recurring interactions.  The emphasis is on analyzing the communication of the couple and training them to have more productive styles of negotiation.   A marital mediator uses standard mediation techniques to break through communication impasses.

In addition, the marital mediator can work with specific financial issues in a very direct way, such as business issues, and  financial planning issues that need to be resolved.  This is because most marital mediators are divorce mediators, who are experienced in financial issues.  Also, with the divorce mediator background, the marital mediator can give a disputing couple an education on what divorce (under the facts of their relationship) would look like.  A third benefit is that a marital mediator (who is a divorce mediator) can do a type of reverse engineering, and quickly identify patterns that, if not corrected, will lead to divorce.

Marital mediation is goal and task oriented, time limited and practical.   Often marital mediation is conducted at the same time a couple goes to couples counseling.  These approaches can work very well together.  Marital mediation is also helpful if one or the other of a couple is resistant to seeing a therapist.   Some couples prefer to work with marriage counselors;   some prefer to work with marital mediators; and some with both.

Sometimes marital mediation is successful for couples who have “failed”  marriage counseling.  (The opposite is also true at times.)  The important point is that there are resources available for people that wish to pursue and improve their marriages that can be very effective for people.

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Making Marriage Last

We just came across a great article on improving marriage by the (AAML) American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. You can read the whole article here.

They conclude the article with these 12 ways to improve your marriage:

  1. Treat your spouse like your best friend or most important colleague.
  2. Don’t expect to get more from your spouse than you give of yourself.
  3. Don’t lose your sense of humor; have fun with your spouse.
  4. Don’t demean your spouse in public or in private.
  5. Learn to listen, learn to hear.
  6. Learn to argue respectfully.
  7. Look for resolution rather than victory.
  8. Assess your own mistakes and acknowledge them.
  9. When you apologize, mean it, and sound like it. Be short on blame and long on forgiveness.
  10. Be willing to change your opinions and attitudes.
  11. Look at changes in your life as an opportunity to grow.
  12. Don’t try to change your spouse; accept your spouse “as is.”
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Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison

Taking-War-Out-Of-WordsThis is a great book if you want to learn how not to jump to conclusions (which are often wrong) during your daily life, whether at work or home. A careful reading of Taking the War Out of Our Words followed by intent work in putting it into practice can greatly assist us in all our personal relationships. The key is to formulate that powerful, neutral, non-accusatory, and musing Non-Defensive Question that will open the floodgates to new information that incorrect assumptions had filtered out. Sharon Ellison also has tapes of her books available on her web site. This book is indeed powerful and life-changing.

Read more about the war of words here.

Sharon Strand Ellison, Founder and Executive Director of IPNDC, is an award-winning speaker, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words, and the creator of the Powerful Non-Defensive Communication™ (PNDC) process. Sharon was a Scholar in Residence at St. John’s University and is a pioneer in developing methods for eliminating defensiveness. Her audio-book, Taking Power Struggle Out of Parenting won a Benjamin Franklin Award. She provides training programs and keynotes for both professional and personal growth organizations. Her client list includes Hewlett Packard, Nordstrom, Wells Fargo, Lockheed Martin, and the Centre for Dispute Resolution in London.

Read more about Sharon Ellison at pndc.com.

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The Relationship Handbook: A Simple Guide to Satisfying Relationships by George Pransky

the-relationship-handbookThis book, formerly published under the title “Divorce is Not the Answer”, is a simple, well thought-out and organized little book containing chapters on topics such as “A Fresh Start” and “Compatibility is Only a Thought Away”. Pransky is a practitioner of “Positive Psychology” which essentially posits that “it’s all in our heads”. With that in mind, one can change the trajectory of a marriage by changing a simple thought pattern.

The chapters start out with stating a “Myth” about the topic at hand, then stating “The Grain of Truth”, and then describing the “change of heart” (really the change of mind) that it takes to overcome the difficulty, whether it is perceived lack of compatibility or feelings of dissatisfaction. As a result, effortless, permanent change can actually occur in cases where the couple thought they were stuck at an impasse. Try it. It makes great bedtime reading with your spouse.


From Chabad.org:

Dr. George Pransky, Ph.D, suggests an analogy to illustrate how couples resolve conflict. Imagine a couple spending a romantic evening in front of a fireplace in their old home when, suddenly, they become aware of a chilling draft. They may elect either to search for the cracks allowing cold air to penetrate and then install weatherproofing, or to throw another log on the fire, thereby producing more warmth.

I have found that people considering divorce invest most of their emotional and intellectual resources in “weatherproofing” their marriage or wondering how to do so. Yet, just as weatherproofing will lessen a draft but will not generate warmth, a critical approach to problems may halt unwanted behaviour but will not engender intimacy.

Focusing intently upon their concerns and disappointments, spouses forget to enjoy their marriage and to invest emotionally in this crucial relationship. When one partner is dissatisfied with the marriage, an entirely new strategy is necessary. Spouses must resolve to renounce old anger and presumptions, to stop thinking “If he (or she) would only do what I want.” They must assume responsibility for becoming proactive, rather than passive or merely reactionary, in envisioning and realising a productive marriage

Learn how to listen attentively to your spouse’s needs and views without superimposing your own “agenda,” and to respond appropriately. I have seen many presumably unsalvageable marriages transformed when partners began to feel that their needs were being recognised. This sense of “validation” replaces resentment with respect, understanding, love and hope. When pathology and blame are exchanged for a desire for health and growth, relationships mature and the bond between the spouses strengthens and deepens. Marriage should, and can, be fulfilling and holy.

While I recognize that the sobering divorce statistics cannot found a good marriage, my prayer is that the above information will reach those couples that have given up trying to improve their marital relationships. Adopting a new approach, even to problems that seem intractable, will enable them to embark upon the rewarding process of re-inventing their sacred bonds.

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A Definition of Marital Mediation

There is a veil of silence that surrounds every married couple. Spouses express loyalty by not complaining about their partner or their marriage. People feel ashamed if other people know there are problems in their marriage. People often feel that they are the only ones with an imperfect marriage. The truth is that every marriage is complex and every marriage is a blend of the imperfect, the perfect, and everything in between.

Often people want to bail out when the going gets tough. People in long-term marriages know that if that happened, there would be no one left standing in long-term marriages. What should one do during those times of discomfort in a marriage?

Learn to Make Your Marriage Work

People use books and take classes to learn everything — how to kayak, how to use a computer program, how to paint with oils — the list is endless. A marriage is one of the most important aspects of one’s life. And yet when a marriage is suffering and needs to be fixed, people do not tend to seek the knowledge and education that would help put the marriage back on the right track.

Many married couples actively address problems in their marriage by seeking individual and/or marital counseling at strategic times. This is a very good thing and provides tools for communication and change. Books can also help. I highly recommend George Pransky’s The Relationship Handbook for spousal reading, chapter by chapter, in bed before going to sleep. Pransky is a PhD psychologist, and the book describes a positive and workable approach to addressing marital problems.

A Lawyer/Mediator Can Help

Lawyer/Mediators have a special set of skills that can help a couple work through their problems. The first of these is dispute resolution skills. Lawyer/mediators know how to help people express themselves clearly (or translate an imperfect expression) by “reframing”, so that conflict can be clearly addressed. Sometimes parties can trade interests, so that a resolution provides more of what each party wants, and is no longer a “zero-sum” game. This can get people out of fixed positional bargaining and can lead to new openings in their interactions. A lawyer/mediator can sometimes help people find solutions that they did not think of themselves.

Why a Lawyer

Lawyers (especially divorce lawyers) tend to be very conversant in business and financial matters. They have to be to do this work. This expertise can often help a couple in trouble.

Many marital problems (especially in longer marriages) deal with financial concerns. For instance, there may be a devastating business reversal, illness, or job loss. There may be children of previous marriages, and concerns about making sure they have an inheritance after one’s death. Or the parties may not be able to appreciate the contributions the other brings into the marriage, some of which might be non-monetary.

Lawyer/mediators can help a couple work through these problems, and in some cases, write agreements (“Postnuptial Agreements”) and/or estate planning documents that will help the couple move forward and alleviate some of the conflict.

Mediation to Stay Married

Mediation to Stay Married offers couples a safe place to work their way through sustaining their marriage. It’s voluntary, neutral, and non-adversarial, and led by an attorney/mediator who will help define areas of conflict for mutual solutions. In a non-threatening and comfortable setting, the mediator will set the stage for frank discussions. If the mediator is an attorney, the parties will have the benefit of legal insights into their problems. The negotiations and understandings may or may not result in a written agreement. This is totally up to the couple. In any event, it can be a step forward in mutual understanding and respect, and may let a marriage live to see a new day.

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Deciding whether to divorce or continue your marriage

 

One of the most interesting and fulfilling parts of my law practice is to assist people who are contemplating divorce or in the midst of divorcing. I consider this work in helping people though a very significant transition in life quite meaningful. An attorney applies all of his or her legal knowledge in dealing with divorce issues — financial, real estate, pension, and tax law. In addition, all the attorney’s personal experiences, plus knowledge gained through his or her practice are used to address the personal issues in a divorce — anger, grief, fear, and issues involving children.

As a divorce attorney, I generally do not go into active attack mode immediately when I meet a new divorce client. (Of course, if there has been physical abuse, protective actions must be taken immediately.) I probe a new client carefully to see if this is a divorce that will really happen, or whether a client is just considering divorce as an alternative to an unhappy period in his or her marriage.

Many times clients think divorce is the only way out of an uncomfortable marriage, without analyzing the repercussions of divorce — financial and otherwise. Unfortunately, some attorneys start the ball rolling right away with a letter or a filing before doing this initial step. Lawyers are technicians, and sometimes the technical side can overcome the human side. By doing the initial step of probing the causes of the breakup, even if the marriage can’t be saved, the divorce can progress in a healthier manner.

An Idealized Picture of Divorce

I certainly don’t believe all marriages should (or can) be saved. However, there are some cases where a gentle touch by the lawyer at the beginning can lead the parties back to each other. For instance, in hearing a client’s story, the attorney (as an objective “third party”) can point out that the client may have a misunderstanding regarding the other spouse’s motives, actions, or feelings. The attorney might be able to see that there is still great affection between the client and his or her spouse. Or, the client may be totally unaware of the financial rules of divorce, and has an idealized (and totally incorrect) picture of what the economic ramifications of the divorce will be. In cases like these (and many others), the chances of reconciling are present and can be quite significant.

If you ask any “happily” married couple whether they’ve considered divorce, I think you’ll find the answer in most cases (if they are being honest) to be “yes.” That they have considered divorce does not mean the marriage should be abandoned, or that their marriage is valueless. On the contrary, it shows the strength of marriage as an institution, since a marriage often grows stronger as it encounters and overcomes problems. It is often the negative experiences in life (death, illness, bankruptcy) even more than the positive ones (children, livelihood, family) that can bring a married couple closer together.

As any married person knows, all marriages are not perfect. People who are married tend to have a great deal of patience, and look at the glass as “half full” rather than “half empty.” People in vital, healthy marriages see that their appreciation of and commitment to their spouses grow deeper as the years progress. It seems very sad for people in a divorce to throw away the investment of 5, 10, or 20 years with a spouse, and yet this may be necessary at times if living with a spouse is painful and the pain never lets up.

A Rule For Couples in Difficulty

But how much pain is too much? I have a rule about how long a marriage should continue when it hits a painful period. If you’ve been married two years, give it another two years. If you’ve been married for five years, give it another five years. You will find that the painful periods are usually patches that resolve after a relatively short period of time, and the marriage continues. Aren’t you lucky you didn’t throw it away? To harden a painful period into a divorce may not be a useful action to do to yourself and your spouse. At first you had (solvable) problems. Now you have a divorce, which is a problem in itself. I can’t tell you how many people in their second marriages have told me that if they knew then what they know now, they would have been able to work things out and stay with their first spouse (not that their second spouse is such a bad person).

If you’re seriously contemplating a divorce, you should see an attorney right away to figure out what the economic repercussions of your divorce will be. Divorce law is fairly straightforward, and an attorney can give you a “read” on what the economic results of divorcing would be for you and your spouse. If your (or your spouse’s) position has not hardened, this information may be helpful in deciding to divorce or trying to make your marriage more satisfying to each of you. We hear a lot about those “Hollywood Divorces” — people of higher economic means who are able to divorce frequently without drastic consequences. People in more modest economic situations are actually luckier, since their mutual economic interdependence is a strong positive force that helps preserve and maintain their marriages, and helps them appreciate the efforts of each other in daily life.

Of course, both parties must be committed to trying to work out their marriage. It helps to know that everyone’s marriage isn’t perfect, and that marriages can actually get better as time goes on. If you want to continue to try to work it out, seeing an excellent couples counselor on a regular basis for a period of time (and having that person “on call” for future problems) can really work.

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Case Study: Job loss and marital mediation

Bill and Sally have been married 15 years. They have two children, Kristin 9 and Rob 6. Bill has worked since college at one job in the pharmaceutical industry. He has earned enough so that Sally has been able to stay home with the children and they have had a comfortable lifestyle. Bill always thought he’d be employed at the same company.

Bill lost his job 18 months ago, and has not been able to find another one. Bill is holding out for a professional job like the one he had. He is getting fewer and fewer interviews, and is angry and depressed. Bill and Sally have been using up their savings, and are now starting to withdraw from Bill’s retirement accounts. Sally is scared and has difficulty having Bill at home with his moods and depression.
The Solution:

A marital mediator or other professional may be able to help Bill and Sally view Bill’s job loss as a joint problem. This makes Bill feel more supported at home. Sally now helps Bill in his job search actively, by finding leads that Bill follows up on. This helps Sally think about re-entering the job market to help provide stability for the family. She is afraid, because she never meaningfully entered the job market, but is starting to visualize beginning and building a career.

Bill and Sally can think of other fields that Bill can enter that he might enjoy and might help provide a livelihood for the family. Bill and Sally’s lives are changing, and even though they don’t have the income they once had, they are hopeful, smiling at each other, and feel like a team.

This case study is fictional and does not represent any real person.

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Stanley R. Fogg v. Geraldine Fogg – Postnuptial Agreement

Fogg v. Fogg, 409 Mass. 531 (1991), is a postnuptial agreement enforceability case, in which the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court (SJC) denied enforcement of the agreement. It was a second marriage for both, and each had children from previous marriages. This is a situation in which a prenuptial agreement could have been very helpful for marital and family peace. If not done prior to the marriage, a postnuptial agreement could have been formulated with a marital mediator, and reviewed by estate planning attorneys followed by adopting an estate plan. This can be extremely helpful to the couples embarking on second marriages.

In Fogg, the Foggs’ marriage was beginning to unravel. The couple entered into a postnuptial agreement in which the Husband agreed to transfer property and assets to the Wife at the Wife’s request. The Husband believed by signing and transferring the property, the Wife would not divorce him, or at least attempt to preserve the marriage.

The trial court found that the Wife was seeking financial gain and her intent was contrary to the representations she made in the agreement about repairing the marriage. Shortly after the signing and the transfer, the Wife filed for divorce.

The SJC affirmed the Trial Court, believing the postnuptial agreement was, in essence, induced by misrepresentation and fraud, because the Wife outwardly pledged to preserve the marriage and was really maneuvering for a better settlement upon divorce.
In famous footnote 2, the SJC wrote “We leave to another day whether agreements made after the parties have been married, and not in anticipation of an immediate divorce, are valid.”

That “other day” came 19 years later, on July 16, 2010, where in Ansin v. Craven-Ansin (SJC-10548) the SJC affirmed that postnuptial agreements are valid and enforceable if certain requirements are met.


An Opinion from Family Divorce Mediation:

Postnuptial agreements are contracts made by spouses after they marry, but not in anticipation of divorce. The fact that postnuptial agreements are not drafted in anticipation of divorce differentiates them from separation agreements. Unlike both prenuptial agreements and separation agreements, postnuptial agreements are not recognized by statute in Massachusetts. Most importantly, the enforceability of a disputed postnuptial agreement in Massachusetts is currently uncertain.

This is so because the last time the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court considered postnuptial agreements it ruled: “We leave to another day whether agreements made after the parties have been married, and not in anticipation of an immediate divorce, are valid.” Fogg v. Fogg, 409 Mass. 531, 532 (1991).

Nevertheless, the Fogg court clearly contemplated the potential enforceability of a postnuptial agreement. “Assuming, without deciding, that this type of agreement is valid, it must be free from fraud and coercion.” (Fogg at 532.) “Although we decline to determine whether postnuptial agreements are valid, we note that, if valid, they would at least have to meet the same threshold requirements of antenuptial and separation agreements.” (Fogg at 536.)

Divorcing spouses may decide to incorporate the terms of their postnuptial agreement into their separation agreement at the time of divorce. Parties to divorce might also decide to incorporate some terms and not others, or to negate their postnuptial agreement in its entirety. Problems concerning the enforceability of postnuptial terms disappear when divorcing spouses agree. When parties to divorce dispute the enforceability of their postnuptial agreement, a judge will decide.

Source: http://familydivorcemediation.com


Stanley R. Fogg v. Geraldine Fogg
409 Mass. 531 567 N.E.2d 921 (1991)
Supreme Judicial Court

The Fogg decision reads as follows:

Citation: 409 Mass. 531
Parties: STANLEY R. FOGG vs. GERALDINE FOGG
County: Plymouth
Hearing Date: February 4, 1991
Decision Date: March 11, 1991
Judges: LIACOS, C.J., WILKINS, NOLAN, LYNCH, & O’CONNOR, JJ.

In a divorce proceeding, the judge did not err in refusing to enforce an agreement made by the parties while they were married and not anticipating an immediate divorce, the alleged purpose of which was to preserve the marriage, where the evidence warranted the judge’s findings that the agreement was not free from fraud because the wife, while outwardly pledging to persevere in the preservation of the marriage, was simply concerned with arranging a favorable financial settlement.

[535-537]

COMPLAINT for divorce filed in the Plymouth Division of the Probate and Family Court Department on September 19, 1986.

The case was heard by Sumner Z. Kaplan, J.

The Supreme Judicial Court on its own initiative transferred the case from the Appeals Court.

Monroe L. Inker (Ann Wagner with him) for Geraldine Fogg.
Marshall F. Newman for Stanley R. Fogg.

NOLAN, J. This court has recognized the validity of antenuptial agreements (Osborne v. Osborne, 384 Mass. 591 [1981]), and separation agreements (Knox v. Remick, 371 Mass. 433 [1976]). Today we are presented for the first time with a so called “postnuptial” agreement, one made while the parties are married and not in anticipation of an immediate divorce. The alleged purpose of the agreement in question was to preserve the marriage. The husband claims the agreement is unenforceable because it is void as against public [page 532] policy and, even if valid, it is unenforceable because he signed as a result of the wife’s fraud. The wife asserts that the agreement is valid and binding. The husband filed a complaint for divorce and the wife counterclaimed, seeking specific performance of the “postnuptial” agreement. The judge granted the husband’s motion to dismiss the counterclaim under Mass. R. Dom. Rel. P. 12 (b)(1) and (6) (1990).1 We affirm the judge’s distribution of property and dismissal of the wife’s counterclaim. Assuming, without deciding, that this type of agreement is valid, it must be free from fraud and coercion.2 This contract, according to the findings of the judge, was the product of deception by the wife. Therefore, the agreement is invalid.

The facts that gave rise to this action were found by the judge to be as follows. In 1979, Geraldine Krevosky (wife) was living at 55 Juniper Lane in Pembroke with her two minor children. In 1979, the wife was employed by Fogg, Inc., a corporation owned exclusively by Stanley Fogg (husband). The business of the corporation is land acquisition and site development. Fogg had graduated from Northeastern University in 1959 with a degree in civil engineering. He had organized Fogg, Inc., in 1973. In June of 1979, the husband moved into the wife’s house at 55 Juniper Lane. At the time he moved in, title to the home was in the name of the wife and her former husband. Fogg had also been divorced, and had two adult children by his first marriage.

[Page 533] Beginning in 1978, Fogg, Inc., began acquiring properties in Pembroke collectively known as Edgewater at Pembroke. The parcel consisted of approximately 141 undeveloped individual house lots, parks, and roads. In June of 1980, the corporation conveyed to the husband forty-four of the lots, all of which were still undeveloped. This deed included “lot 44,” the site of the parties’ proposed future marital home. In the summer of 1983, the husband sold several of the lots to a third-party builder for $234,000. At that time, he discharged the mortgages under which the original bank financing was secured for purchase of the whole Edgewater tract.

In 1980, the husband acquired 260 acres of land in the same area as the original acquisition. The mortgages for the 1978 and 1980 purchases were subordinated in 1982 to a $425,000 borrowing by Fogg for development purposes. Fogg paid the 1982 note and mortgage and received a discharge in August, 1983, prior to the marriage. The judge found that, at the time of the marriage, the husband was free of debt to banks and to the owner of certain properties from the 1978 and 1980 purchases. At the time of the marriage, his combined liabilities for all of his parcels of land did not exceed $250,000. The judge determined that at the time of the marriage, the wife’s financial worth, consisting chiefly of $33,000, a one-half interest in the Juniper Lane house, and a Corvette automobile, was substantially less than that of the husband.

The wife, as an employee of the corporation, was privy to almost all of the husband’s land holdings, assets, and liabilities. In the summer of 1983, she still refused to marry him, although he had asked her many times. The judge found that later in the summer, “after [the husband’s] indebtedness was negligible and his assets considerable,” she asked him to marry her and presented him with a wedding band. The parties were married in December of 1983.

The parties continued to live together at Juniper Lane until January 2, 1986. While living at Juniper Lane, the husband gave his wife money with which to run the household and to make the mortgage payments. In addition, in May of [Page 534] 1985, he had paid his wife’s first husband $35,000 for the transfer of his interest in the home to her. In January, 1986, the parties moved to their newly built home on lot 44, 257 Edgewater Drive. This was the husband’s “dream house.”

In 1984 and 1985, the husband continued his business of selling land, depositing the proceeds into his own account. In June, 1986, he purchased an office in Pembroke for corporate purposes. There was no contribution by the wife to the improvement or appreciation of any of the lots held by the husband.

Marital problems occurred as early as February of 1984, over the husband’s daughter. Even though the parties were designing their “dream house” together, they were not getting along and, by the spring of 1985, the marriage had ended for all practical purposes.

By January, 1986, a divorce was contemplated by the parties. At that time, in an apparent attempt to relieve some of the marital friction, the parties executed a trust and an agreement. The validity of this agreement is at issue. In the agreement, the parties stated the belief that, if they were able to agree on disposition of certain assets, the domestic friction would be eliminated. The parties affirmed in the agreement that they were entering into it for the preservation of the marriage. In addition to setting forth a number of property rights which the husband would transfer to his wife, the agreement provided for property dispositions in the event of divorce or the death of one of the parties.

Pursuant to the agreement, the husband: (1) gave $215,000 in cash to the wife; (2) gave his fee simple interest in Edgewater lots 36 and 42 to her; (3) waived any interest in the Corvette automobile, the Juniper Lane house, or the house at 257 Edgewater Drive; (4) gave her a one-half interest in his Mercedes Benz automobile; and (5) agreed to create the Fogg family trust.

The husband gave the wife a check for $215,000 in January of 1986. He had previously given her a check for $100,000 in May of 1985. The judge found that, although she stated in the agreement that she was entering into it to [Page 535] preserve the marriage, after the spring of 1985 “[the wife] was seeking an adequate and secure financial arrangement for herself and the husband was hoping that by providing such an arrangement that marriage would become viable.” There was a change made in the agreement in March of 1986, as a result of further arguments between the parties. The judge stated that he considered the trust and the agreement only in connection with the conduct of the parties. The judge found that the husband had persisted in trying to preserve the marriage while the wife was solely concerned with arranging a satisfactory financial settlement.

At issue is the judge’s refusal to enforce specifically the agreement. The judge refused to adhere to the agreement and made an equitable distribution of the marital assets under G. L. c. 208, Section 34 (1988 Ed.). The wife had filed a counterclaim seeking specific enforcement. The judge granted the husband’s motion to dismiss under Mass. R. Dom. Rel. P. 12 (b)(6). While we decline to determine the validity of so-called “postnuptial” agreements, we rule that the judge did not commit error in refusing to enforce this agreement. Even if this type of agreement is valid, it must be free from fraud and coercion and meet the requirements set forth in Knox v. Remick, 371 Mass. 433, 436 (1976). The judge’s findings indicate that the agreement here was not free from fraud because the wife, while outwardly pledging to persevere in the preservation of the marriage, was simply concerned with arranging a favorable financial settlement. The evidence fully warranted the judge’s findings.

In Knox v. Remick, we recognized that parties may enter into a separation agreement which anticipates divorce, to resolve permanently their rights and obligations, including support obligations. Id. at 436. The judge shall first determine, however, that “the agreement was not the product of fraud or coercion, that it was fair and reasonable at the time of entry of the judgment nisi, and that the parties clearly agreed on the finality of the agreement.” Id. In Rosenberg v. Lipnick, 377 Mass. 666, 673 (1979), we stated that antenuptial agreements, those executed in anticipation of marriage, [Page 536] must be executed fairly, free from “fraud, imposition, deception, or over-reaching.”

Although we decline to determine whether postnuptial agreements are valid, we note that, if valid, they would at least have to meet the same threshold requirements of antenuptial and separation agreements. The agreement before us was signed as a result of the wife’s implied fraudulent promise that she would attempt to preserve the marriage. Thus, it is invalid.

The judge stated in his findings that “[a]n agreement regarding disposition of assets as a condition of keeping the marriage together was sought by [the wife].” The husband signed the agreement believing that, by doing so, his wife would not divorce him or, at least, that she would attempt to preserve the marriage. The judge found that the wife “was solely interested in financial security and financial gain.” He stated that, in entering into the agreement, the wife “was seeking an adequate and secure financial arrangement for herself,” while the husband was hoping that the agreement would make the marriage viable.

The wife’s intentions at the time of signing were contrary to those set forth in the agreement that “the [parties] share the belief that, if they are able to agree upon an orderly disposition of these assets, the cause of any domestic friction and unhappiness will be eliminated, and their marriage will be preserved thereby.” She induced her husband to sign the agreement by outwardly pledging her belief that, if the financial arrangements were made, she would then try to preserve the marriage. While promising to persevere, she was really only concerned with obtaining a favorable settlement of the marital assets.

The judge found that the wife’s conduct during the marriage “in no way contributed to its preservation and in almost every way contributed to its deterioration.” He stated that once the wife “felt she had [an adequate financial] arrangement . . . she told [the husband] she wanted a divorce.” The husband signed the agreement as a result of the wife’s [Page 537] fraudulent and deceptive promise to attempt to maintain the marriage. Therefore, the agreement is unenforceable.

Judgment affirmed.

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1. We note that the judge may have improvidently granted the husband’s motion under Mass. R. Dom. Rel. P. 12 (b)(6), as a procedural matter. The wife was alleging a contract action. A claim was stated. Instead of granting the motion under rule 12 (b)(6), the more appropriate disposition would have been to allow the husband to plead an affirmative defense on the theory that the contract was unenforceable. However, even though he granted the motion, the judge heard testimony on the circumstances of the execution of the contract. He made sufficient findings for us to determine that he believed that the contract was the product of deception by the wife. Therefore, the dismissal under Rule 12 (b)(6) was harmless error.

2. We leave to another day whether agreements made after the parties have been married, and not in anticipation of an immediate divorce, are valid.

Learn more about postnuptial agreements.

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Ansin v. Craven-Ansin, A Massachusetts Postnuptial

Ansin v. Craven-Ansin is an important recent case in Massachusetts. The issue is the validity of the postnuptial agreement and whether it may be specifically enforced. See Fogg v. Fogg, 409 Mass. 531, 536 (1991).

The Massachusetts Supreme Court recent announced its ruling. Here are some opinions by recent news organizations and experts.

Boston Globe: SJC rules postnups have legal weight

Addressing a matter that has long sown doubt among Massachusetts family law specialists, the Supreme Judicial Court said postnuptial agreements that divide financial assets must be scrutinized to make sure they were not negotiated fraudulently or coerced by a spouse with threats of divorce. But if the agreements meet stringent standards, they should be enforced.

“Marital contracts are not the product of classic arm’s-length bargaining, but that does not make them necessarily coercive,’’ Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall wrote on behalf of the seven-member court. “Such contracts may inhibit the dissolution of a marriage or may protect the interests of third parties such as children from a prior relationship.’’

Several states, including Alabama, Louisiana, and Wisconsin, have laws authorizing such agreements, the court said. At least one state, Ohio, forbids them. But many states have not addressed the issue.

Such contracts are uncommon in Massachusetts compared with prenuptial agreements, said divorce lawyers, but that may be partly attributable to uncertainty over whether they would be upheld.

Boston BizJournals: SJC endorses “post-nup” deals

The state’s highest court said in deciding the case of Kenneth S. Ansin of Cheryl A. Craven-Ansin that courts may enforce arrangments governing the post-divorce distribution of property even if those deals are entered into after couples get married. The deals often are called “marital agreements” and are enforced in some other cases.

William Levine on MaritalMediation.com: Ansin V. Craven-Ansin: Good News And Practical Suggestions For Marital Mediation

Ansin presents an opportunity for spouses and mediators to act responsibly and sensibly in the effort to save marriages, and otherwise to curb the ravages of divorce litigation. However, to do so without observing its cautionary aspects, and those of other cases can disserve the public that is our market, and roil, rather than calm, the waters at the time of divorce if that event must come. A process that results in avoiding a contested divorce is no less good a professional service than a saved marriage, though clearly the less desired outcome. At the same time, a sloppy process that leads to a poorly conceived agreement invites a painful form of double jeopardy for divorcing spouses: a litigated challenge to the agreement and a statutory battle over finance, if successful. Every mediator, lawyer and client ought to read and re-read Ansin; then read it again. The four cautions above will help to crystallize how mediators may help, and not hurt, but there is no full substitute for the S.J.C’s entire body of thinking on the subject.

John Fiske in Mediate.com: Marital Agreements Upheld in Massachusetts

The Supreme Judicial Court of Massachusetts on July 16, 2010 answered in Ansin v. Craven-Ansin the long-deferred question of whether a marital agreement should be recognized. The answer is “yes.” Their reasoning centers around the spouses’ freedom to contract, “permitting the parties to arrange their financial affairs as they best see fit.”

Stephen McDonough in DivorceCollaborative: Massachusetts Marital Agreement Case Decided

Most of you have heard of a prenuptial agreement since they are frequently discussed in the media, especially during reports about divorces of the rich and famous. Although not as well-known, postnuptial (also known as marital or post-marital) agreements also exist. A postnuptial agreement is entered into by a married couple to set forth the details of their settlement in the event of a divorce, but are drafted before the time of divorce, sometimes in an attempt to actually improve a marriage. A marital agreement is different from a separation agreement (also sometimes referred to as a divorce agreement) that is drafted for the purpose of getting a couple divorced. Thus, a post-nup or (post)marital agreement serves the same general purposes of a premarital agreement, but is signed after uttering “I do” instead of before.

YourFamilyMatters Law Blog: Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court permits postnuptial agreements in Ansin v. Craven-Ansin

Most importantly, the Court held that a postnuptial agreement must be “fair and reasonable at the time of the execution and at the time of divorce”. This means that the postnuptial agreement must be more like a separation agreement (one made at the time of divorce) than a prenuptial agreement (one made before the marriage). An earlier case, DeMatteo v. DeMatteo, 436 Mass. 18 (2002), had provided a lesser standard to prenuptial agreements than separation agreements, stating that in order to be enforceable, prenuptial agreements they must not be “unconsciounable” and must not strip a spouse of viritual of of his or her marital rights. As another protection to the contracting spouse against whom the contract is being enforced, it is the spouse seeking enforcement that has the burden to satisfy the court as to all these criteria.

You can download the video of the oral argument on the Suffolk University Law School website:

ansin-v-ansin-craven

Read the Ansin v Craven Ansin slip opinion.

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Burkle v. Burkle

Burkle v. Burkle was a 2006 California case in which the enforcement of a postnuptial agreement was contested by the wife at the time of divorce (Janet E. Burkle v. Ronald W. Burkle, 139 Cal.App4th 712 2006). In Burkle, a divorce dissolution proceeding was pending when the agreement was executed. The parties withdrew the divorce action and lived together for four more years prior to divorcing.

At the time of divorce the Wife argued that the parties had not agreed to reconcile, and that the postnuptial agreement was essentially a “prepackaged” divorce, and did not provide her what she would have received in a divorce agreement. The California Appeals Court held that the postnuptial agreement was an agreement where the parties had both intended reconciliation of their marriage and was not executed in “imminent dissolution” of the marriage, and that the Husband had adequately disclosed his assets. The Appeals Court discussed the fiduciary duty that ran between spouses, and said that it was satisfied here because the postnuptial agreement did not create an “unfair advantage” for the Husband, but provided mutual advantages to each of the parties.

Read the published Burkle v. Burkle opinion of the California Court of Appeals.

If you want more background on the case, you can also read the brief from Ronald Burkle’s attorneys.

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Case Study: Postnuptial agreement for second marriage

Judith and William are in their 60s. It is a second marriage for both, and they each have children from their prior marriages. Judith, a widow, accumulated some wealth from her deceased husband. William’s financial circumstances are more modest. They did not enter into a prenuptial agreement at the time of their marriage.

Now Judith’s children are concerned that Judith’s wealth will be passed to William and then his children. This is creating corrosiveness between the two sets of children and is spilling over into the relationship between Judith and William.
Judith and William want to do something to support each other financially but allay the children’s fears.
The Solution:

Marital mediation brings clarity. In the setting of mediation sessions, they are to be honest with each other, and talk about the inheritance and support problem in an open way. They learn that even though they did not enter into a prenuptial agreement at the time of their marriage, they can enter into a postnuptial agreement now.

The marital mediator explained to Judith and William that there was a way to organize their estate plan so that their respective children could be protected and also their support and financial commitment to each other can be confirmed. The couple puts a postnuptial agreement in place with the help of an estate planning attorney and under the guidance of the marital mediator that calls for support for the surviving spouse, protection of assets, and a reasonable asset split between the children after the death of Judith and William. And the new estate plan will save taxes, too!

With the postnuptial agreement and the new estate plan in place, Judith and William’s marriage begins to rebound and their relationship with their children improves.

This case study is fictional and does not represent any real person.

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The Four Seasons of Marriage by Gary Chapman

four-seasons-of-marriageGary Chapman, author of the longstanding megaseller The Five Love Languages, uses his years of marriage counseling and leading marriage seminars as the basis for his thesis that marriages repeatedly go through periods that can be characterized by the seasons of the year. He begins by describing winter, times when marriages are marked by “coldness, harshness, and bitterness.” Spring is “where most marriages begin,” while summer is filled with fun. He compares an autumn marriage to “the falling of the leaves.” Chapman offers detailed explanations of the emotions, attitudes and actions of the marriage seasons as well as the pros and cons of each. The book’s second section provides seven strategies to enhance or change the marriage seasons, from dealing with past failures and speaking your spouse’s love language to “maximizing differences” and becoming a positive influence. Chapman also specifically addresses how to improve a marriage where a spouse has no desire to change. While it’s valuable to have this information in one place, this book isn’t different from what Chapman has written, said and taught many times before. Clear writing, tested strategies and good stories are here, but new revelations are not.

Dr. Gary Chapman is the author of the best-selling The Five Love Languages (more than 4 million copies sold) and The Four Seasons of Marriage. He is the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc.; an internationally known speaker; and the host of A Love Language Minute, a syndicated radio program heard on more than 100 stations across North…

Read more about Dr. Gary Chapman at www.fourseasonsofmarriage.com.

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide by John Gottman

seven-principles-for-making-marriage-workAccording to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There’s much more to a solid, “emotionally intelligent” marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out–though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.
Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his “love lab” that it only takes five minutes for him to predict–with 91 percent accuracy–which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn’t know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)

Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don’t resolve every problem. “Take Allan and Betty,” he writes. “When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing’s happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a ‘dialogue’ about their relationship.” While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that “they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply.”

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening.

Read more about John Gottman at www.gottman.com.

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