Marriage Education

We read a great interview on NPR about ‘marriage education’.  Here’s an excerpt:

Because we have a horrible I come out of the marriage therapy world and we have a terrible track record. You know, most couples who go to marriage therapists end up divorcing. It’s because it’s a medical model, you know, tell me about your childhood, let me try to diagnose you. And then I’m the doctor and I’m going to fix you your mental disorder, your character disorder. You know, the wife brings the husband in, she’s sure his mother has somehow screwed him up and the therapist should fix him. It’s a different approach.

What we’re seeing now is we’ve got all this research in our research labs and we want to get it to the public. Shows like this help a lot. But we want to put it in classes. Men love the classes. It’s like getting a playbook. Men love playbooks. You know, this is how you do this and this is what’s afoul. And this is, you know, the behaviors that predict success. And this is what to expect along the way.

And we are really excited and optimistic about the results we can get in these classes.

Full story on NPR.

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Marital Mediation Explained

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Marital Mediation and Communication

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Divorce Rates according to the Wall Street Journal and CDC

It seems like Divorce Rates and Postnuptial Agreements are the most popular topics we’ve published. So here’s a rundown on recent divorce statistics.

Divorce Rate from the US Census Bureau:

Divorce Rate from Center for Disease Control (CDC):

There’s also this Wall Street Journal data which we put into the following chart:

us divorce rate by state

Also, follow this link to see how the U.S. divorce rate compares to other countries.

* The WSJ data includes does not include Indiana and California because they don’t publish current numbers. Sources: Wall Street Journal analysis, National Vital Statistics Report, U.S. Census Bureau. Read the full WSJ article: WSJ.

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Batting Zero: Did the McCourt Postnup Destroy Their Marriage?

Below is a guest post by Laurie Israel on the McCourt postnuptial agreement. A shorter version of this article was published on HuffingtonPost.

Last weekend, I waded through the 100-page California Los Angeles Superior Court opinion on the Frank and Jamie McCourt case, McCourt v. McCourt, Los Angeles County Superior Court # BD514309 (12/7/10). This is the case where Frank McCourt asserted that he owns the Los Angeles Dodgers (now reportedly worth over $800 million) and his wife, Jamie, does not. The parties had signed a postnuptial agreement in 2004, and separated after 30 years of marriage in 2009. It is one of the most expensive divorce trials in California history with estimated legal costs at $20 million. The McCourts’ assets are reported to be over $1 billion. The Court found the prenup to be invalid. Appeals are expected.

The parties entered into the postnup at the time of Frank’s purchase of the Dodgers in early 2004. After the purchase, the couple planned a move to California from Massachusetts with their four grown sons. They planned to operate the Dodgers together with Jamie as the CEO.

In Massachusetts, the McCourts had kept their property separately titled as an asset protection strategy. As an “equitable distribution” jurisdiction, the titling of the property is irrelevant to marital rights, which are presumed to be joint in all property. California is a “community property” state where separate titling has legal ramifications in divorce.

In signing the disputed postnup Jamie’s attorney maintained that she was looking for asset protection and not to change her equal rights to the Dodgers or any of the other property titled in Frank’s separate name upon divorce. Frank asserted that Jamie was risk-adverse and had traded security in the couple’s residential properties for rights in all the business properties. Big stakes were involved. The marital estate is worth over $1 billion dollars. If the postnup had been held valid, Jamie’s share of the assets accumulated during the 30-year marriage would have been 15% and Frank’s 85%. Apparently both Jamie and Frank were actively involved in the business interests, including the Dodgers.

The McCourt case involved many legal issues in addressing whether the agreement the McCourt signed was a valid, enforceable postnup. There were detailed discussions and arguments about California community property law and whether the postnup was valid under it. There are also questions about basic contract law issues. Was there a meeting of the minds between Jamie and Frank? Did Frank satisfy his fiduciary duty to Jamie, or did he take unfair advantage of her? Did Jamie receive fair consideration in the bargain they made? Was the discrepancy in the language between the two versions (one granting him the Dodgers as his separate property, and one stating that it wasn’t) a “scriveners error” that could be corrected in Frank’s favor?

Some of the case facts as reported in the Court decision read like a comedy of errors, except it is so sad. The couple worked with their lawyer on the agreement starting in early 2004. During a very short period of time, they received many drafts and apparently barely looked at them, relying mainly on what the lawyer told them the postnup contained. The lawyer never asked the McCourts whether they had wished to alter their rights of equitable distribution under Massachusetts law in signing the prenup.

The number of drafts provided in a short period of time was mind-numbing. When the McCourts finally signed it, they signed two conflicting versions. Neither of them seemed to understand what the postnup said. For a while they forgot about it, moved to California, and worked on running the Los Angeles Dodgers franchise.

In 2007, Jamie and Frank jointly consulted with a California estate-planning lawyer to discuss putting their property into a living trust to avoid probate. The attorney reviewed the postnup for compliance with California law. This is when Jamie understood that the agreement went way beyond her goal of asset protection, and that Frank might have sole rights to the Dodgers.

Jamie instructed the estate planning attorney to “fix it”, and the California attorney prepared a draft of a corrective living trust agreement in 2008. Frank reviewed this agreement, made comments on it, and, according to the Court’s findings, requested that all of both of the parties’ separate property be changed to community property.

After the changes requested by Frank were put into the agreement in 2009, Frank still refused to sign the corrective agreement. The estate-planning attorney told Jamie she had two choices to get the matter moving: “[a] civil conversation with Frank or a nuclear bomb.” As the attorney later stated, she meant that if the McCourts didn’t start talking with each other, their marriage would explode. And that is what happened.

Frank, asserting that that Jamie’s presence as an executive at the Dodgers was disruptive, fired her as the Dodgers’ CEO. Five days later, Jamie filed for divorce and the nuclear option – divorce litigation – followed.

The contention caused by the postnup once it became a known problem may have been a contributing factor to the McCourt’s marital breakdown. In fact, the faulty prenup could have been the major cause of the breakdown. A good postnup is supposed to help a marriage. This one did not.

Here are some lessons for a successful postnuptial agreement gained from the McCourt case:

Have a family lawyer draft it. Divorce lawyers are intimately familiar with family disputes and marital dynamics. We know how important financial equity is to marriages whether they are ongoing, or whether they’re breaking down. We tend to look at postnups and prenups differently than business lawyers and estate-planning lawyers. For us, it’s not about “limiting the downside of our client in a divorce” but it’s about supporting and sustaining the marriage. Family lawyers tend not to view a postnup as simply “a business deal”, to be negotiated harshly. Estate-planning lawyers do not generally know enough about divorce law to adequately and sensitively draft a postnup.

Make sure you and your lawyer communicate with each other. The McCourts’ attorney never expressly asked the parties if they had intended their marital rights to all property (presumably equal in Massachusetts) to change when they signed the postnup. This was a crucial question and a crucial issue. Take the time to discuss all your concerns and aims with your attorney and get answers that are direct, on point, and thoughtful. Miscommunications and misunderstandings between attorneys and clients lead to bad results.

Make sure you read it carefully. There were multiple drafts provided to the McCourts in a relatively short period of time. This is enough to numb the mind of any client, as well as the lawyer. Mistakes get made. Don’t enter into a postnuptial agreement (or any agreement) in a rush. These agreements contain important terms that affect your future. Take your time. Understand it. Do not sign under duress. Don’t depend on a verbal description of what the agreement says. Read it yourself.

Make sure you know what you would get if you didn’t sign it. This is called a knowing and meaningful waiver of rights. It is discussed, as well as other factors for a valid postnup, in the recent Massachusetts postnup case, Ansin v. Craven-Ansin, 457 Mass. 283 (2010). You need to have time to review the agreement and advice as to what the agreement means. Even if you are a lawyer (as is Jamie McCourt), sometimes legal issues are so complex that an expert is needed to explain it to you. It helps to have independent counsel just looking out for your rights.

Act as a fiduciary with respect to your spouse. If you are signing a postnup (and not a divorce agreement), you are still married, and are trying to stay married. You owe your spouse the highest duty of fidelity and truthfulness as you enter into an agreement with your spouse. This means that you should be protecting your spouse’s interests as well as yours. Otherwise, you might as well just get a divorce.

Evaluate your aims and make sure the agreement is narrowly drafted to meet them. Often legal agreements have extra terms that do not closely connect to the matter at hand, but are just passed down from contract to contract. I’ve seen many of these, and other extraneous terms thrown into these agreements. They are slavishly and thoughtlessly copied from one on-the-shelf document to another by attorneys. If Jamie’s interest was asset protection, and not to change the terms of a possible divorce, it is possible that these needs might have been met in a carefully and narrowly drafted agreement and with other estate planning strategies. Especially in the context of prenuptial agreements and postnuptial agreements (when you’re presumably dealing with viable marriages), unnecessary provisions can cause great harm, which can hurt an ongoing marriage.

If you can’t resolve it, maybe it’s time to get a divorce without muddying the waters. If the McCourts had found in 2004 that they had conflicting aims during the negotiation, they either could have resolved them with or without the postnup (or by other, estate planning strategies). If not resolvable, they could have begun the divorce process without the ambiguous agreement. If that had happened in Massachusetts, all property, no matter in whose name it was titled, would have been deemed “marital” and subject to equitable distribution. That means, the judge could have made a clear-headed decision about who gets what. The parties knowing what the rules of equitable distribution are would likely have settled for a reasonable and equitable property split.

Make sure the postnup is fair. Did you ever hear the expression, “Pigs get fed, hogs get slaughtered”? We lawyers love to point this out to our clients. Often by wanting too much, they risk getting too little.

In the postnup context, it means that if your postnup is unfair to your spouse either when executed or at the time it comes into play, it is likely to be challenged in court. At the least, it will create bad blood between you and your spouse, which will spill over and affect to the children of the marriage. It will eat up your family.

A good guideline on fairness is to see if you’d be satisfied with what your spouse is receiving in the divorce. If you are, and you’re also satisfied with what you get under the agreement, the postnup is probably fair. When it’s not fair, or if it becomes inequitable over time, then it is corrosive to the marriage and leads to a nasty divorce.

I keep thinking that this is what happened to the McCourts. Instead of providing mutual financial protection, clarity, and fairness for each other, the McCourts’ postnup might have been the virus that destroyed their marriage.

Read more information about postnuptial agreements.

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From Divorce Lawyer to Marital Mediator

What is marital mediation and what brings someone into the field? Laurie Israel was a divorce attorney who changed her focus in mid-career to saving marriages.

In this interview by Amy Martell, you’ll hear how Laurie observed that feelings of inequality in contribution were a common problem in divorce and realized how she could apply this concept to couples who are still married by recognizing married couples’ patterns of poor communications.

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A Divorce Attorney Can Rush You Into Divorce

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An Interview with author Deborah Moskovitch of The Smart Divorce

This week we’re announcing a new interview series with Deborah Moskovitch, the creator and facilitator of The Smart Divorce.

Based on her personal experience with divorce and insights gathered from leading divorce gurus, Deborah has become a leading divorce and relationship expert who helps people manage the divorce process and move on to a better life.

Deborah’s video is in five parts:

Part 1: Communication When Entering Marriage

Part 2: Save your marriage or get a divorce

Part 3: Choosing a mediator or a divorce attorney

Part 4: Marriages saved through mediation

Part 5: Postnuptial agreements (postnups)

Deborah is an opinion leader in the media and regularly shares her insights and research on television and radio to discuss how divorce can be managed to minimize the grief and financial hardships people often experience. Deborah also speaks regularly about the importance of the emotional healing post-divorce. She is a regular contributor to More magazine’s online edition, a national publication celebrating women over 40. She serves on the Board of Directors of AFCC Ontario, an international association of professionals dedicated to improving the lives of children and families through the resolution of family conflict. Her goal is to help people manage the divorce process in a healthier, less painful way and move on to create a better life post-divorce.

For more information about Deborah, you can visit her website at www.thesmartdivorce.com, contact her via email at info at thesmartdivorce dot com or call her at 905 695 0270. The Smart Divorce includes a consulting service, workshops and the book: The Smart Divorce: Proven Strategies and Valuable Advice from 100 Top Divorce Lawyers, Financial Advisers, Counselors and Other Experts.

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Save your marriage or leave it

In this exclusive interview, Deborah Moskovitch discusses knowing when to leave a marriage or try to save it:

“You need to do everything you can to put your marriage back on track, so that if you do decide to divorce, you know that you did all the work up front. So you tried the couples counseling, and obviously if you’re getting divorced, it didn’t work. But you saw what was wrong in that relationship. You really did try to put in on track.”

Deborah Moskovitch is a leading author and public speaker on divorce and relationships.

She regularly shares her insights and research on television and radio to discuss how divorce can be managed to minimize the grief and financial hardships people often experience. Deborah also speaks regularly about the importance of the emotional healing post-divorce. She is a regular contributor to More magazine’s online edition, a national publication celebrating women over 40. She serves on the Board of Directors of AFCC Ontario, an international association of professionals dedicated to improving the lives of children and families through the resolution of family conflict. Her goal is to help people manage the divorce process in a healthier, less painful way and move on to create a better life post-divorce.

For more information, visit Deborah’s website at www.thesmartdivorce.com, contact her via email at info at thesmartdivorce dot com or call 905 695 0270.

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Key points in postnuptial or marital agreements

Here are some standards from the American Law Institute (ALI) about ‘marital’ (i.e., postnuptial) agreements:

  • A marital agreement is presumed that it was not made under duress if parties were advised to obtain independent legal counsel, and had reasonable opportunity to do so before the agreement’s execution.
  • Full disclosure is required. In order to be enforceable, the parties to a marriage agreement must make full disclosure of assets, income, and also assets or entitlements that a party reasonably expects to realize in the near future.
  • There are “Circuit-breaker” protections if there is “substantial injustice”. For example, an unanticipated change in circumstance between the time when the agreement was executed that has a substantial impact on the parties or their children.
  • A court will also take into account whether the purpose of the agreement was to benefit or protect the interests of third parties (such as the children from a prior relationship).

Read the full ALI excerpt on marital agreements.

Or visit our postnuptial agreement information page.

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Breaking Marriage Trust Comes in Many Forms

Trust is a key ingredient in healthy relationships. Most people would agree that dating someone else is breaking trust and jeopardizing the existence of the marital relationship.

Breaking the bonds of financial trust can be equally damaging to a relationship. If couples want to stay married and value that relationship, they will do all they can to be transparent, forthcoming, and create a mutually supportive approach to money. Otherwise they risk losing the love, respect, and trust that holds their relationship together.

For example, if one person has withdrawn the full amount of the home equity loan without their spouse knowing — that’s breaking trust.  Or opening one or more charge cards and running up debt that can’t be repaid, all unbeknownst to their spouse —- its breaking trust.

The money might have gone for gambling or to make what was thought to be a solid investment. The hidden use of the money might mitigate the ensuing anger, but it’s very likely the broken trust will cause long term damage often ending in divorce. It’s as hard to bring back financial trust as it is to bring back emotional trust, and they are intertwined.

It’s a good idea for couples to have an annual review of separate and joint credit reports. If one person doesn’t want to get a credit report, it could be a signal that there are deeper issues and maybe cause for concern.

Marital Mediation offers a neutral forum to talk about the condition of money in the marriage and to find ways to have agreement and keep trust in the relationship.

Cinda Jones, CFP, CDFA
San Diego – Del Mar – Carlsbad

 

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Case Study: Postnuptial helped set aside financial stress in the marriage

[Editor: This episode is part of a video interview series with MaritalMediation member Rebecca Fishman Green in which she talks about her experience as a marital mediator.]

“For them it felt fair for the husband to be solely responsible for all of the debt. So, he did what we lawyers call an indemnification, he would hold her harmless from any of the debt. If and when they ever sell their house, that home equity loan will come out of his share of the proceeds… And they signed their postnuptial agreement and they are still married to this day.”

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Can marriage argument styles indicate the odds of divorce?

The Voice of America highlights a recent study about argument styles in marriage and the impact on divorce rates. It was a 16 year study, so the results are worth noting.

University of Michigan professor Kira S. Birditt led the study of 373 couples. The study found that 46% had divorced by the final year of the study in 2002.

The couples were asked at four different times to report on their most recent conflict. First, they had to agree on which conflict was their most recent. The husbands and wives each had to choose from a list of behaviors to describe the strategies they used. The list included behaviors like calm discussion, listening and trying hard to find out the other person’s feelings. The list also included behaviors like yelling, using insults, walking away or not communicating — in other words, the silent treatment.

Assistant professor Kira Birditt led the study which found that over time, wives became less destructive in the way they argued. Husbands stayed the same.

They also found that different combinations of strategies may help predict whether a couple will stay together. The chances decrease if only one partner uses constructive strategies.

More detail at LiveScience: Birditt and U-M colleagues Lisa Jackey and Toni Antonucci looked at how negative views of spouses, friends and children changed over time and among different age groups, including young adults (ages 20 to 39), middle-aged adults (40 to 59) and older adults (60 and over).

We’re trying to get our hands on the study to look more closely, if you want to get it yourself, it was published in the Journal of Marriage and Family October 2010 under the title Marital Conflict Behaviors and Implications for Divorce Over 16 Years by Kira S. Birditt, Edna Brown, Terri L. Orbuch, Jessica M. McIlvane/

Thanks to Richard Nicastro @RelationshipAid for pointing out the VOA article.

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Does living together lead to higher divorce rates?

In Newsweek, journalist Mike Kemp writes about some new studies of unmarried couples living together. Traditionally, living together before marriage was thought to make divorce more likely.

Moving in together before marriage used to be associated with a higher risk for divorce. But now, as more unmarried couples than ever before decide to live under the same roof, do they face the same fate?

Sociologists think the calculus may have changed. Part of the difference stems from just who’s deciding to shack up. In the late ’70s, only about a third of people lived together before tying the knot. Those people tended to be less traditional in their beliefs—it was the age of the hippie, after all—and therefore more likely to get divorced, says Pamela Smock, a sociologist at the Population Studies Center at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. As cohabiting has come more common across the country, however, the once strong link between “living in sin” and divorce has weakened over time.

Many thanks for Mike Kemp and Newsweek for providing links directly to the actual studies on Google Docs. A news story is so much more powerful if you can see the source data.

In a paper by Rose Kreider, a large increase in cohabitating couples was noted between 2009 and 2010. This contrasts with the recent falls in divorce rates that we’ve seen. Read source document.

In a 2007 paper by Steffen Reinhold, he talks about previous findings that premarital cohabitation was linked with a greater number of divorces. By looking at data from 1988 to 2002, he demonstrates that this link has weakened over time. Read source document.

Learn more about trends in marriage and divorce in our recent interview with Rebecca Davis.

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Money Is More than Dollars – Emotions and Finance in Relationships

When relationships fail, about 70% of those who decide to split do so because of money issues. We intellectualize money and talk about it in terms of making sound financial decisions. The recognition of the emotions connected to money is rarely discussed even in the closest of relationships. Couples are more likely to talk about sex than talk about how money represents power, self-worth, approval, social standing, and security.

When relationships are strained, the issues around money take on a heightened importance. It’s often the weapon of choice in the battle field of who is right and who is wrong.

Money is often laden with values and proving the other person wrong has little chance of success. Our approach to money is inherited and learned and is a deep seated belief. We inherit much of what we know and feel about money from our family of origin and then we add to it as we mature and have our own money.

For example in one family, it’s a given that all advanced education costs are covered completely. In another family the rule is the child is out of the house at 18 and any advanced education is for them to get or not.

When there are these types of disparate views, couples need to have a fuller discussion about how money and financial matters affect how they feel about themselves and what it means to them in terms of values. They are more likely to find their way through money problems if they are willing to communicate and explore alternatives. Couples financial mediation is one approach to working together to find workable solutions.

Cinda Jones, CFP, CDFA
San Diego – Del Mar – Carlsbad

Read more about Cinda’s practice in California financial planning for marriage and divorce mediation or visit her divorce financial solutions website.

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Marriage compatibility is all in your head

George Pransky is a prominent psychologist known for his theories on relationships. Among his many writings, he is the author of The Relationship Handbook, an extremely interesting guide to relationships, marriage, and divorce which includes the following excerpt:

We have all been surprised by an unlikely couple who found marital bliss. Let’s look at an example.

A woman told a marriage therapist that her husband was in jail and had served five years of a ten-year sentence. She said she visited him every day. The therapist thought he knew what was coming. He expected her to be ambivalent about remaining married or resentful about how much she was giving and how little she was getting back. To his amazement her problem was just the opposite.

“I came in to see if I”m crazy,” she said to him. “I feel a lot of love for my husband. I carry him in my heart all day long. I am grateful to be married to such a man. Of course, I wish he were out of prison so that we could live together.”

“It’s good you love your husband. Why are you concerned about that?” replied the therapist.

“My friends tell me I should divorce him and get another husband. They say it’s wrong to be satisfied with my situation.”

“Are your friends happy in their marriages?”

“Not really. They don’t like the way they are treated. They don’t seem to appreciate their marriages. Only one of my friends is happily married. Come to think of it, she is the only one who seems to approve of my feelings.”

“The point of marriage is to have the feelings you and your husband share,” he said. Yes, it would be better to have companionship, too, but having those feelings in your heart is the most important thing.”

The client was relieved. She knew she felt happy and in love with her husband. She had entertained the idea that they would have to divorce. It was a relief to hear a definition of compatibility that related to inside feelings rather than the external situation.

Suppose a wife is loud, opinionated, plays golf incessantly and likes weird movies, but her husband doesn’t resent these traits. Would he feel compatible with his wife? Of course he would.

There really is no such thing as incompatibility. It is all in our minds. Were this not the case, there wouldn’t be such an unlikely assortment of happy couples in the world.

Compatibility is a product of thought, a figment of the imagination. If we think a characteristic is incompatible, then we will get a negative feeling from that thought. The negative feeling is what we call “incompatibility”. Were we to have a chance of heart and think of the characteristic as good or unimportant, we would feel compatible again.

You can read more about “>The Relationship Handbook on Amazon.

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Michele Weiner-Davis on Regrets After Divorce

Michele Weiner-Davis is a well-known author and therapist who specializes in marriage relationships. She’s published the first chapter from her fascinating book Divorce Busting from which we get this quote about her changed perspective to divorce.

Over the past several years I have witnessed the suffering and disillusionment that are the predictable by-products of divorce. I have seen people who have been divorced for five years or longer with wounds that won’t heal. These people failed to anticipate the pain and upheaval divorce leaves in its wake. I have heard countless divorced couples battle tenaciously over the very same issues they believed they were leaving behind when they walked out the door. They learned too late that the act of divorce does not free them from their ex-spouses’ emotional grip; some ghosts live forever.

I have heard too many disillusioned individuals express regrets about their belief that their ex-spouse was the problem only to discover similar problems in their second marriages or, even more surprisingly, in their new single lives. They admit to recreating the same unproductive patterns of interacting in new relationships, repeating old mistakes or discovering that they are still miserable.

Diagnosing one’s spouse as the source of the problem, a common antecedent to divorce, doesn’t take into account the roles both partners play in the deterioration of the relationship. The habits spouses developed over the years go with them when they walk out the door…

I have not arrived at this conclusion based on religious or moralistic views. From my perspective, divorce is neither immoral nor bad. In fact, in extreme cases, certain relationships are better off terminated for the health and well being of everyone involved. This book will also address these exceptional situations. However, most people considering divorce do not fall into these extreme categories.

Visit Michele Weiner-Davis’s website to read more about the book. We also previously discussed it in our Divorce Busting post.

And if you’d like to learn more about the historical basis of marriage, check out our exclusive video interview with Rebecca Davis about her book More Perfect Unions.

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A story of infidelity, divorce mediation, then reconciliation

There is a touching story in Salon about an infidelity overcome through the persistence of both husband and wife. Written five years after the affair, it shows that not every affair necessarily ends in divorce.

When Robert told me about the affair, we were walking from marriage counseling through the arboretum near campus. We’d been in therapy for a couple of months, but we’d been fighting much longer than that.

“I have to be honest with you,” he said, slumping onto a park bench, looking ill. “I’m sleeping with someone else.”

“We should get a divorce,” I said.

He put his head in his hands. “That’s the last thing I want.”

So I went for a meeting with a divorce mediator. Ours wasn’t going to be an ugly split; his guilt and sorrow and my shock and ambivalence were the perfect ingredients for a fair settlement. The process of reconciliation was laborious, but Robert threw his heart into fundamental change. He started seeing an individual counselor and began to dig deep into the reasons for his infidelity. I made changes too: I learned that I had to work to better express my wants and needs to Robert.

Five years later I’m still taking our marriage day by day. In many ways, I believe that is the way any marriage should be lived. Each day I work at my marriage a little. Each day I find value in my marriage. Each day I go to sleep glad he’s by my side.

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary recently at a lovely dinner overlooking the ocean. Rob reached across the table and held my hand. “Thanks for sticking with me,” he said, as my eyes filled with tears.

Read the whole story in Salon. It’s a good testament that an affair can often be overcome if both partners are willing to fight for the marriage. And mediation during the marriage by a mediator, attorney, or other outside professional can sometimes help the process along.

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Marital Mediation in Texas

Our guest post today is by Michael Hiller, a Houston attorney and mediator, who writes about some unique aspects of marital mediation in Texas.

Marital Mediation is a relatively new way to help couples stay married. It is not designed to replace marriage therapy or counseling. In fact, marital mediation is frequently done by therapists. It is also done by attorneys. Marital mediation can be done by a lawyer AND a therapist (co-mediation). Across the country a variety of approaches are evolving. In this blog I want to introduce marital mediation to the Houston, TX area where I practice family law, and to everyone else reading this blog who may be new to marital mediation. Most clients know that mediation involves a person “in the middle” who helps parties come to an agreement. Throughout the country, divorce mediators tend to meet with clients without lawyers, for about 2 hours each session (Texas mediation is usually different, but it’s always different in Texas). It is the model where each session is about 2 hours that suits the Marital Mediation process well. But all you Texas purists, don’t worry, I plan to make Texas marital mediation both different and bigger. As everyone knows, things are not just different, but bigger in Texas.

The following describes what goes on in marital mediation. First we explain the Marital Mediation Process. I explain my role as a “participant-observer” (neutral third party) and that we listen to the couple, help them communicate, assist them in creating an agreement (whether written or oral) that may resolve their issues in conflict. The mediators then listen to their “Presenting Problem”, giving each client an opportunity to say what he or she wants to discuss. The Marital Mediator also observes the couple’s communication style. Simultaneously, the mediator seeks issues that can be mediated: what is the conflict? Then comes teaching, and the modeling of communication and conflict management. The conflict has not been managed well and there are poor communication skills. The Marital Mediator can “normalize” the couple’s skills and give feedback. BOTH are right: each spouse acknowledges the other, each partner sees things a certain way the other considers wrong. Once the Marital Mediator begins to help the couple communicate and manage conflict better, agreements can be reached, if only on minor issues at first. Ultimately, many couples create a written post nuptial or marital agreement. But oral agreements may also help. In Texas, post-nuptials are enforceable, if only on certain issues.

Stay tuned for more from Michael Hiller, our expert in Texas marital mediation.  His upcoming article will be the “Texas Twist” – “Mental Toughness Marital Mediation”.

If you want to learn more, you can watch our video interview about marital mediation or read articles about postnuptial (postmarital) agreements.

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Exclusive Rebecca Davis interview on MaritalMediation.com

Noted author Rebecca Davis sat down for a talk with MaritalMediation recently. Rebecca’s book More Perfect Unions has been getting great reviews for its unique perspective on how the institution of marriage developed. You can read her rave reviews in the New Yorker, Slate, and Washington Post. Believe it or not, there was a time when marriage counseling didn’t exist, and Rebecca provides a fascinating look at how marriage has shifted with the cultural winds of the last few generations.

Since the topic is so relevant to Marital Mediation, we can’t thank Rebecca enough for giving us these insights into how the concept of saving marriage has evolved to the present day.

If you want to learn more after watching the video, there’s more about Rebecca on her website and you can buy her book More Perfect Unions here.

Learn more about postnuptial agreements.

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