Seven Principles for Keeping Marriage Strong

This poster was in Yes Magazine, and is from John and Julie Gottman, of the Gottman institute.

Yes Magazine is an online publication with a section on “happiness”. 

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Elizabeth Weil’s book details marriage improvement efforts

 

A book, “No Cheating, No Dying: I had a Good Marriage. Then I tried to Make it Better”,  resulted from Elizabeth Weil and her husband, Dan Duane’s work on their marriage, after a full-length article about her seeking for marriage improvement published in The New York Times Magazine on December 6, 2009.  Weil and her husband went the rounds — putting techniques from reading into their marriabe, followed up with a psychoanalytic couples’ therapist, who after two sessions, called her husband “neurotic” and deemed their marriage possibly beyond repair.

Then Weil and Duane signed up for a marriage education class, “Mastering the Mysteries of Love”.  There were exercises in empathy.  For instance, a spouse was  ito tell a childhood story and other the spouse was repeat it, mirroring the feelings the story evoked.  They then proceed to an Imago therapy workshop where they worked on their families of origin issue.   What they experienced was “marriage improvement” fatigue.

It would be nice to know what Elizabeth and Dan’s thoughts of marriage are, now that they are in their second decade.

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Marital mediator in “Room for Debate” in New York Times

Laurie Israel, one of the active practitioners of marital mediation (and co-founder of this website) was one of the six debaters asked to participate in the New York Times “Room for Debate” column, which was published in the New York Times on March 22, 2013.  The topic was Prenups. The questions asked were: “Should everyone have a prenuptial agreement? Do they really mean anything?” Each of the six debaters wrote a 300 word response. Laurie_edited-1 copy for ivkdlaw websiteThe views on the topic ranged widely. You can access the debate from this link.  Laurie’s response notes the problems that prenups generally pose in first marriages.  This was Laurie’s response in the debate.  Brad Wilcox, of the National Marriage Project located at the University of Virginia also weighed in on the topic.

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What’s the “Parental Divorce Reduction Act”?

We just heard about this proposed act.  It was formulated by a team of experts.  The Parental Divorce Reduction Act requires parents with minor children to attend marriage education classes, and to take an eight month “time out” to consider their decision to divorce.

Here’s a link to the draft Act.

The Coalition for Divorce Reform is the organization that formulated and is promoting the Parental Divorce Reduction Act. Divorcing couples (with children) would be required to participate in 4- 8 hours of divorce education, providing information on the effects of divorce on children.  The classes would also teach “research-based” communication and other relationship skills that help strengthen marriage.   The Coalition for Divorce Reform bases this approach on recent studies that find that about one-third of divorcing couples report an interest in reconciliation.

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The Great Banana Wars: Marital Conflict, Communication, and Dispute Resolution

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How to have a happy marriage

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Infidelity: An Opportunity for Marital Truthfulness

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Choosing a Mediator or an Attorney

My Mediator is Not an Attorney? Is That a Problem/Martin Rosenfeld

I once participated in a study which involved mediators who were attorneys and mediators who were non-attorneys. The study concluded that the mediator-attorneys tended to view the issue at hand in legal terms while the mediators who were non-attorneys tended to view the issues more in interpersonal terms. Attorneys have different training than do other professionals and hence it is not surprising that their approach to mediation will reflect their specific training and expertise. Is it an advantage to have a mediator who is an attorney? I believe the answer to this question is the following: “that depends!”

With any professional, the most important concern is whether they practice their skill with proficiency and exactitude. A non-attorney mediator who is proficient in mediation theory will outperform the attorney-mediator, and vice-versa. The first question to ask therefore must address mediator competence and professionalism. This can be ascertained by reputation, referrals, examination of their writings, etc.

However, in truth, each mediator “category” brings important strengths to the mediation process. An attorney-mediator will have broad experience in Court procedures and practice. She will know what agreements fall outside the pale of normative behavior. She will have the insights garnered from seeing hearings, motions, trails, etc conducted before experienced judges. She will be aware of legal trends and developments. All these will be of great benefit to the client.

On the other hand, the non-attorney mediator may well have greater insight into the interpersonal dimension, into human behavior and needs, and into non-legal aspects of divorce. Divorce Law is more that legal directives. It involved feelings, emotions, needs, and aspirations. To ignore this aspect of the divorce process is to miss arguably the most important aspect of the divorce process.

There are advantages and disadvantages to different types of mediators. Ultimately, the choice of the mediator is a very personal one based on a comfort level and confidence. Do you feel at ease trusting your mediator with your confidences and vulnerabilities? If you do, all else will likely fall into place. Mediation is a challenging process. Choose the mediator who enables you to maintain the fortitude and conviction to see the process through.

To overlook the legal component of divorce law is to miss the “big picture”. To overlook the interpersonal component is to fail to pay homage to the need of the human to feel safe and directed at a time of potential trauma and hurt. Make your choice after soul-searching and careful deliberation.

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Driving your Spouse Crazy

Here’s a Huffington Post article on typical conflicts that come up when you’re driving with your spouse, what they mean, and what to do about it.

Here’s a link to the the powerpoint:  Driving your Spouse Crazy.

 

k-turn

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Maybe Arranged Marriages are Good

Modern Lessons from Arranged Marriages, a recent New York Times article, weighs in on arranged marriage, and concludes that parental involvement may be very helpful to choosing a spouse.

Robert Epstein, Ph.D., a research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavior Research and Technology , finds the parental screening for “deal breakers” can be very helpful.  Love can emerge in arranged marriage after the initial introductions. He has studied how love can emerge in arranged marriages in different cultures, and has developed  new tools for rapidly increasing emotional intimacy in both new and existing relationships.

According to Epstein, feelings of love in arranged marriages tend to gradually increase as relationship continues.  To the contrary, in “love marriages”, where attraction is based on passionate emotions,  a couple’s feelings for each other typically diminish as time goes on.  According to Epstein’s data, the love feelings are reduced  by as much as fifty percent after only eighteen to twenty-four months of marriage. According to a study conducted in India, arranged marriages appear to surpass love marriages in intensity at the five year mark, and to be twice as strong as love marriages within ten years.

 

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Infidelity in marriage — what does “Hedonic Adaptation” have to do with it?

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Should marriage contracts be renewable?

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Dealing with Stress in your Marriage

Everyone knows that stress can cause a lot of problems, so it should be no surprise that too much stress can harm your marriage. To protect your marriage from stress, first, you have to figure out what is causing the stress. This can be tricky, as spouses often get caught up assigning blame and passing judgement. A neutral third party, like a marital mediator, can help you identify the stressor(s) in your marriage: time-based stress, strain-based stress, and behavior-based stress. With the source of the stress identified, a marital mediator will help you and your spouse create a plan of action to improve your marriage. Read More »

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A Snapshot of Divorce

The widely publicized 50% divorce rate is limited to certain subsets of the population and is not the U.S. population as a whole. Factors, such as income, education, and age when first married, all influence a person’s likelihood of divorce. This raises the question, who has the highest risk for divorce? Read More »

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Government Encourages Unwed Parents to Marry

Can government do more to promote marriage? Kansas thinks so. The Kansas Department of Social and Rehabilitation Services applied for a federal grant of $2.2 million per year for three years to provide programs that encourage unwed parents to marry with the goal of reducing child poverty. Each year, about 19,000 unwed couples give birth to a child in Kansas. Since children who grow up in single parent households are more likely to live in poverty, state officials believe increased rate of marriage among these couples would decrease child poverty. Read More »

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Think Divorce Will Make You Happy – Think Again

If you are unhappily married, will divorce make you happy? Research says no. In fact, the opposite is true. Divorce tends to not alleviate depression, improve self esteem, or increase feelings of mastery of one’s life – key factors in achieving happiness. It is sticking it out through tough times, remaining committed to your partner, and resolving conflict that can make you happy. Read More »

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Tips for Setting Goals with your Spouse

Our responses to this week’s marriage chat hosted by blackandmarriedwithkids.com.

 

Should spouses plan goals for the marriage?

Definitely! Working towards joint goals gives strength to your marriage. If you’re not heading in the same direction, you’re heading for disaster. Setting goals together is a way to connect with your spouse, allowing you to have regular conversations about what you each want out of your marriage and out of your future. Just as individuals need to work towards goals to be fulfilled. Marriages need goals to be fulfilling. The trick is to find ways to move towards individual goals and marital goals at the same time. Read More »

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Turn Falling in Love into Staying in Love

Popular culture is filled with tales of finding a soul mate and falling in love. As children, we hear stories of princesses riding off into the sunset with their knights in shining armor, finding happily ever after. As we age, movies replace these princesses with average people who experience love at first sight. Their spouses are always perfect, marriages are effortless, and any disagreements are quickly resolved. But are these fairytales and fantasies skewing our collective belief on love and hurting our relationships? Read More »

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What Makes Marriage Work

Faithfulness is the most important factor in a successful marriage, according to a recent survey by Pew Research Center. Participants were asked to rank nine items associated with a successful marriage as either “very important,” “important,” or “not very important.” The following graph represents the percent which responded that a particular quality is “very important” to marital success. Read More »

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Long-term Effects of Conflict on Children

Today’s parents are embracing the mindset of “staying together for the kids” out of a desire to protect their children from the pain of divorce. But parents must also protect their children by preventing conflict. Parental conflict, regardless of divorce, can have a long term effect on children, including an increased the likelihood that children will experience relationship failure and divorce themselves. Read More »

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