Communicating your love in marriage – Richard Nicastro

By MaritalMediation Staff on November 10, 2010

It’s not uncommon for two people who love each other to have difficulty expressing it. When this happens in a marriage with tensions, it can be a big barrier to moving forward on other issues.

In this exclusive video interview, psychologist and relationship coach Richard Nicastro talks about coaching couples with communication issues.

Yes, for one couple that stands out for me, they questioned, each person questioned if the other person loved them. But when I interviewed each person separately, they said, I really love this person. And it really frustrates me that he doesn't see it, or she doesn't see it.

So when I brought them back together, I let them know that, you know what? You both made a very, very convincing argument that you do love each other. The problem is that you can feel love, you can feel very deep passionate love for someone, but if you're not communicating that love, if you're not putting it into action, then the other person is not going to know it, and is not going to feel it. So, I often say that love not expressed is like food without nutrients. And, part of the loving process is to act loving. So, love is really a feeling and an action.

So in this case, the goal became, "OK, how could you transfer that very powerful feeling of love that you have for this other person into actions, into words, into behaviors?"

And I had them each make a list of goals of how they were going to show and communicate their love. And then I worked with, you know... And here's the important thing about that, that I think all couples should really be attuned to. I could do something that I feel is really showing my love.
But, for my wife, you know, that may not resonate with her. She may feel loved by a particular action or particular words.

So, this is where communication comes in. That you find out from your partner, from your spouse, how do you want me to show love, how do you feel loved? Because we each feel loved, you know, in very specific ways and differently, you know, possibly differently from our partner. And that stems from our family of origin, growing up, how we experienced and perceived love. And you want your relationship to be consistent with that. So, then once you find out say, your husband, what makes him feel connected to you, and loved.

You know, again I have people write that down, make it tangible, make it concrete, and then the goal becomes, "Each day, can you show love in that way?" Or "A couple of times a week, can you express and show love in that way?" And think about it, without having that goal and that vision, it's going to get lost, it's going to get lost in the static and noise of life.

You know, many of the couples that I see, where they're both working, they're both overworking, trying to pay the mortgage, pay the bills, you know, then you throw young kids in the mix, dealing with in-laws, extended family and bosses who are giving you a hard time. And just, you know, people today are getting pulled in a hundred two different directions.

So, without that vision or goal to come back to. In this example, for this couple, it was the goal of expressing love the way the other person wanted or desired it to be expressed.

That would have gotten lost at some point.

Maybe they would have gone in for a couple of weeks. But then life would have started pulling on them. And it would have, like what happens with any new behavior. It would have started going from weekly, to every other week, to once a month, until it would have gotten lost.

But if you have these written down, if you have them. I have people carry them in their wallets. I have them put it on their computer as a screensaver or background. We need these constant reminders.

So when I brought them back together, I let them know that, you know what? You both made a very, very convincing argument that you do love each other. The problem is that you can feel love, you can feel very deep passionate love for someone, but if you’re not communicating that love, if you’re not putting it into action, then the other person is not going to know it, and is not going to feel it. So, I often say that love not expressed is like food without nutrients. And, part of the loving process is to act loving. So, love is really a feeling and an action.

So in this case, the goal became, “OK, how could you transfer that very powerful feeling of love that you have for this other person into actions, into words, into behaviors?”

And I had them each make a list of goals of how they were going to show and communicate their love. And then I worked with, you know… And here’s the important thing about that, that I think all couples should really be attuned to. I could do something that I feel is really showing my love.

But, for my wife, you know, that may not resonate with her. She may feel loved by a particular action or particular words.

So, this is where communication comes in. That you find out from your partner, from your spouse, how do you want me to show love, how do you feel loved? Because we each feel loved, you know, in very specific ways and differently, you know, possibly differently from our partner. And that stems from our family of origin, growing up, how we experienced and perceived love. And you want your relationship to be consistent with that. So, then once you find out say, your husband, what makes him feel connected to you, and loved.

You know, again I have people write that down, make it tangible, make it concrete, and then the goal becomes, “Each day, can you show love in that way?” Or “A couple of times a week, can you express and show love in that way?” And think about it, without having that goal and that vision, it’s going to get lost, it’s going to get lost in the static and noise of life.

You know, many of the couples that I see, where they’re both working, they’re both overworking, trying to pay the mortgage, pay the bills, you know, then you throw young kids in the mix, dealing with in-laws, extended family and bosses who are giving you a hard time. And just, you know, people today are getting pulled in a hundred two different directions.

So, without that vision or goal to come back to. In this example, for this couple, it was the goal of expressing love the way the other person wanted or desired it to be expressed.

That would have gotten lost at some point.

Maybe they would have gone in for a couple of weeks. But then life would have started pulling on them. And it would have, like what happens with any new behavior. It would have started going from weekly, to every other week, to once a month, until it would have gotten lost.

But if you have these written down, if you have them. I have people carry them in their wallets. I have them put it on their computer as a screensaver or background. We need these constant reminders.

Categories: News